Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Security questions

Where did you take your honeymoon?
What is your spouse’s middle name?
What is the date of your wedding anniversary?
How many times a week does your first-born child say, “I love you?”

I just want to join a yahoo group or sign up for online banking; I don’t need some lazy content provider throwing my single, childless status in my face. Am I supposed to dream up answers for these questions, irrelevant for a good percentage of the population? And if I do, am I expected to remember the name I give to my make-believe Prince Charming or his childhood pet?

How about this, How about asking some questions we can all collectively be annoyed about, say, for example, what year did you realize that life was going to be a giant disappointment? What body part do you particularly loathe? What hooch always results in you dropping trou at the end of the night? With whom did you have the most underwhelming sexual experience to date?

I want to bludgeon these questions with the lamp that shows up every time I log into my investment account. And if Merrill Lynch decides to swap it out for an image of a diamond ring, I’m going to have to transfer my funds.



Unknown said...

bwaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaa! this is excellent. someone needs to tell the dumb fuckers who writes those Qs that half the population is unmarried, duh.

Anonymous said...

Last night the electricity went off. Got a flashlight, dug out the old "wired" phone, plugged it in, called Edison, talked to some gal in Calcutta. "The power is off for at least four blocks in every direction," says I. "What is your address?" (reasonable question, so I gave her the street address.) "What apartment number is it?" "Excuse me, the WHOLE BUILDING is out, as is everything else for several blocks in every direction, did I mention that?" "I need that so I can write a trouble report." [grumblingly provide apt #] "And what is your phone number?" "I called an 800 number, it should be on your screen, isn't it there?" "Yes, but I have to verify it." [bad language, phone slammed down]

Do I really need to provide my mother's social security number to tell these asshats that the LIGHTS ARE OFF?

BetsyV said...

No need to answer the question being asked. Just because they ask your spouse's middle name doesn't mean you can't say whatever you want. And use the same answer regardless of the question.

Anonymous said...

Reasons why I invented a fake "mother's maiden name". Good grief.

L.J. Diva said...

I hate those damn questions and wish I didn't have to put up with them, that's why I just do something like gjgjgjgjgjg and they won't care.

Fanboy Wife said...

The online questions are very annoying because I make up answers and can't remember them later.

The in-person questions are worse. Why do I need to provide my phone number, email address, and other bits of personal information to buy a pair of $15 shoes? When I told the clerk I'd rather not share that information, I got the evil death glare. They get my money; I don't know why they need the rest of this information!

Unknown said...

I think I love you! My friend Karrie posted your blog on her FB page... then, as I do with all Kohlhaas suggestions, I found myself completely enthralled. I've read every entry, and I surmise love for two reasons: 1) you are hilarious 2) a day does not go by that I don't ask someone if I can punch them in the face. I'm your newest fan.

CarlaCarlaCarlaCarla said...

I loved every word of this!

Like Yet Another Steve's experience with the power company's complaint department, I'm baffled by the outfits whose computer's instruct me to provide various personal details before being transferred to a CSR (presumably to hasten the eventual person-to-person contact), yet when I finally connect with Delhi, I'm asked to repeat the information. But I can call Domino's Pizza from either my home or cell phone, tell them to repeat and deliver last month's order, then without another identifying question the pizza guy knocks on my front door within 30 minutes.

And BetsyV's a genius! That's right, I've never considered such a simple-yet-effective solution to this nonsense. Call me doofushead.

Nishant said...

The online questions are very annoying because I make up answers and can't remember them later.

Work from home India

Sandi said...

OMG I spit my coffee all over my keyboard reading this.

Jennifer Worick said...

Sandi, that's what I like to hear!

KN said...

Yes, agreed agreed agreed ...about those ridiculous security questions. When I can, I answer none for the questions (though some sites don't allow "duplicate" answers for different questions).