Cyberstalking

It was hard enough to get over someone when my options were limited, way back when all I could do was drive or ride my bike by an ex’s apartment or parents’ house (stalking starts early in my family). These days, my obsession runs unchecked. Even if I find the strength to unfollow or unfriend Alexandre Dumbass, he often has a public profile, which presents a problem when I’m feeling vulnerable or having a bad day. One click is all it takes to find out that the dude is coping with the loss of me by pretending he’s doing great and that he’s moved on.

I know better.

In my daily drive-bys, I read between the lines. A status update that says, “Mass Effect + new flat screen = srsly awesome“ means “I can’t remember the last time I showered; I’m that depressed.” A tweet that proclaims, “This new IPA is blowin’ my mind!!!!” translates as “I’m drowning my heartbreak in beer and since I’m drinking alone, I’ll tell 1,000 of my closest tweeple.” Then there's the guy I met on an online dating site. I thought we had serious chemistry and loads in common. Then after yet another marathon date, he goes MIA…until I see that he's back in the match.com saddle and has been active within the last hour. He's "online now!" at 3 pm, 4 pm, 5 pm, 2 am… Around 7 am, I see he's changed his profile and added a few more pictures, one of which I took!

I wish I could stop the men madness but as long as there’s a wireless signal, I’m caught in the web. I don't want to punch my iPhone or laptop, so I'm just going to have to keep fixating on (i.e. adoring) my misguided (i.e. temporary) ex-boyfriends from 500 feet (my fingertips) and hope that they go offline, or at least change their settings to "private."

(photo: lisasteadman.com)