Monday, August 31, 2009

Mariah Carey's closet

There are certain folks who would give their right tit for your wardrobe…if they had one. See, Mimi, you have one dragalicious collection of clothes. Come to think of it, drag queens would probably turn their powdered noses up at your trashy-assed closet too. Your body is bangin’, but stuffed into sequined, skintight, skimpy clothes, you look like a space-age sausage. Vision of Glove is never gonna get you on a best-dressed list. Stylists like Clinton and Stacy are always harping on proper fit, but tight is equally as bad as baggy. Rule of thumb: if you can see your belly button through a garment, ditch it.

And for God’s sake, put the girls away. We know you’ve got pipes on you…since you showcase your chest at every opportunity. Side boob, underboob, bouncing-around-like-a-sack-of-puppies cleavage… Get those things under control and out of sight. You could take out an innocent passerby, you could blind a young fan.

Paula created a diversion for a few years with her sartorial junk show but now that she’s gone from Idol, you’d best clean your shit up. Soften up your look, find some jeans with more than a 1-inch rise, look for things that allow you to sit without your bits and pieces sticking to the seat (Was “Touch My Body” an ode to your favorite chair?), and buy a fucking bra. And maybe then, I’ll only deride you for your music.

(Photo: examiner.com)

7 comments:

CastNoShadow said...

Love your "rule of thumb" here!

Event Girl said...

That's just pure trashilicious!

nurseknitsalot said...

Is that dress legal?! She might as well be walking around topless. What was she thinking?

mduette said...

LOL. So hard to pick a fave quote here, but I'll have to go with your aside about "Touch My Body" :P

She should take a lesson from you here, too. If ever a career needed reviving, it's hers. What better way to court controversy than suddenly dressing? (was going to add something more to that statement but why should I when she won't add more to her own fashion statements?)

Yet Another Steve said...

Hey! What about getting up a petition to nominate her for "What Not to Wear"? Wouldn't it be a hoot and a half to watch Stacy and Clinton go after that?

Chris said...

yeah, well, she tried to get attention by thinking, and it was so exhausting. this is way more better.

Makeup Theory said...

This is hysterical. I use to do her makeup ions ago, so I won't trash her too badly. But, yeah. This dress could use a little more fabric.