Even if you are Howdy Doody’s dopplegänger, I’ve always liked you. Loved even.Until today.
That’s when I heard that, instead of finally realizing that Betty Cooper is the best thing since sliced bread, you proposed to that douchebaguette Veronica Lodge. Yeah, she’s loaded. And her Super Sweet 16 party was off the hook. I mean, who can forget Moose doing Jell-O shots off of Miss Grundy? And how she got Kings of Leon to perform is still a mystery. I suspect incriminating photos are in play…
But I digress. Yeah, Ronnie’s a stone-cold fox with that glossy black Megan Fox hair and Fembot body, but she is a serious pill. She treats you like her lapdog (for which I hear she paid a fancy-pants breeder a small fortune). She could have bought you a car with that money to replace that deathtrap of a jalopy you drive. Running boards are so 1935! Even a PT Cruiser would be acceptable to the hunk o’ junk you pollute the streets with.
And hello, check your papers! You’re both 17. Teen marriage is so 1835. Focus on graduating from Riverdale High and get your associate’s degree, why don’t you? If you still want to get hitched to Blair Waldorf’s role model, well then, have a good life as Mr. Veronica Lodge. If you persist in tying the noose, I mean, knot, then I'll have no choice but to hit you so hard the freckles fall off your face.
(photo: christiancomicsinternational.org)
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6 comments:
As one who devoured Archie comic books as a kid, has two cats named Bette & Veronica, a grandmother named Betty, a song written about me named "That Lil' Betty", a best friend who owned a women's snowboard apparel company named Betty Rides and my parents live on the corner of Golden and Betty i would like the rights to throw the first punch. Oh i see you already did. Ok, i'll take your sloppy seconds.
"Archie you are more of a douchebag than that beeeatch you are betrothed to. YOU SUCK! Betty's probably a lesbian anyway and is finally glad she's out from under this sick little menage a troi".
This made me angry - very angry indeed...
I checked out the link (and shots of the new issue) and it seems to be a future/dream sequence thing - hopefully he'll wake up from this nightmare!
Ah Moondoggie. I was going to tell you my source was none other than NPR but you saw the link. It's probably going to be a Dallas "Bobby in the shower" sort of dream sequence, which is hella lame.
Yeah - sounds crap but it makes me want to read the story - doubt I'll find a copy here in England though.
Did you see the state of poor Betty on the cover? Shame Archie, shame.
I'd take Veronica OR Betty, actually. And what is age, really? Just a number.
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