Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Lentils

Lentils. Just the thought of them makes my mouth go dry. Could someone please explain these things to me? Seriously, I just don’t get why anyone would eat lentils if given the choice between them and pretty much anything else that will fit in your piehole. Lentils taste mealy and lifeless, no matter how any top chef cooks them. Reconstituted astronaut food tastes better than this legume. And they're fugly to boot. I like my share of earth-tone food—don’t get me wrong—but this drab foodstuff has the stink of sadness all over it (and I’m not talking about the gas it produces).

There are other ways to get protein. In a word, livestock. Duh. As the bumper sticker goes, if God didn’t want us to eat animals, why’d He make them out of meat? Who am I to question His judgment? If you must go against all that is good and holy and insist on being a vegetarian, graze on a garbanzo bean or go crazy with a boiled egg.

When Cliff included lentils as part of his dish for a romantic 5-course meal on season 2 of Top Chef, I knew he was sounding his own death knell. It didn’t help that he mangled Marcel, obvs, but even without the throwdown, that lentil purée was his sloppy ticket to the cheftestant compost pile. Lentils may be nutritious; sexy, they are not.

Be a daal, would you Cliff, and pack your knives. And don't forget to take the lentils with you.

(Photo: soupsong.com/rlentil7.html)

9 comments:

tommy1414213 said...

Actually, red lentils make a great thickener for chili.

JENNA said...

Another favorite: Meat is murder... tasty tasty murder...

Jennifer Worick said...

Thanks for the tip, Tommy, although I prolly won't try it. :) Jenna: me likey.

Michaela said...

Awww, even though I like lentils, you make me want to hate them:)

Chris said...

lentils are all skin and no taste. actually, they taste something like what i'd imagine is soggy wood pulp with pepper on it. who wants that? if you use lentils at any time, it's because you've run out of every single idea you've ever had or will have. you're a maroon.

Jennifer Worick said...

Ah Chris: You said it better than me, as usual.

Yet Another Steve said...

I always thought "Lentil" was that Barbra Streisand movie about a woman who disguises herself as a soup to get the education she craves. You mean it's beans too? Lawsy me.

Spa Scotta said...

Can you eat lentils around a camp fire? Just asking for the future.

S said...

You have to make lentils really spicy for them to be any good. (Actually, even then, they're not that great. But my mom makes me eat them. :P)