I’ve put away a lot of cereal in my time. As a kid, I hoovered Apple Jacks, Lucky Charms, Honeycomb, and Quisp (which I’m forever sad isn’t in the cereal aisle any longer). There was King Vitaman for a faux-healthy bender, Frosted Mini-Wheats if I could get to them before my brothers, Wheaties if I was feeling sporty.
No matter the cereal, I always knocked it back as if I was in a competitive eating contest. See, I hate mushy cereal.
If they approach my cereal bowl, Cheerios, Raisin Bran, and Special K can keep on walking…or swimming as the case may be. Kissing cousins to ice cream cones that melt too quickly, these Rice Not-So-Krispies turn into mush upon contact with my 2-percent. Weak links in the breakfast food chain, these pansy-ass thorn flakes have no business calling themselves cereal. Heck, I’d rather eat gruel, Victorian-orphanage style than try to choke down this frosted foam.
Punching is futile as this crap will absorb the massive shock coming its way. Instead, let’s repurpose this stuff as insulation or packing pellets. Eat that, Helloggs.