Monday, September 7, 2009

Early birds

Whenever I have unhappily stumbled into an office or coffee shop at 7am, I see a flock of smug early birds silently congratulating each other for being such productive, rarified members of society. These chipper toolboxes are one step away from developing a secret handshake. This sort of self-satisfaction would be irksome enough, but add to that their silent disdain for anyone who sets their alarm for sometime after sunrise and they really make me want to flip my shit.

Dude, so you get to your desk at the ass-crack of dawn. You are the first one to turn off the security alarm. You regularly meet with your trainer at 5:30am. You have special alone time with the boss. Whoopadeedoo! The only thing this means is that you go to bed at 9pm. You climb under the covers before the sun goes down, which is not something to pat yourself on the back about, unless you’re a farmer.

Don't give me stinkeye when I roll in. Don’t even hint that I don’t work hard for the money. I usually toil away until I turn off the lights long after midnight, so eat my alarm clock. We have different schedules, different rhythms that suit us. It doesn’t mean that your day is any longer or more fruitful than mine. It just means that you’re a judgmental fuck who drinks decaf after 2pm.

The best part of waking up is piping hot Folgers in your face.

(photo: nicksflickpicks.com)

11 comments:

mduette said...

Hear hear! Loved the farmer crack. (but not farmer's crack..just to be clear) So true :P Don't forget those haters that pipe up "Oh yeah I got up at 4:30 and spent an hour at the gym!"

And do you also get those people who cluck at you because they note the TIME STAMP on some of your posts on Facebook? As if no civilized human being is up at that hour? I have enough parents, thanks. Or am I the only lucky one? ;)

CastNoShadow said...

"...so eat my alarm clock..." - that is the money shot, right there.

tommy1414213 said...

Studies show that early birds' productivity drops off sharply later in the day while night owls, while crap in the morning, are more productive overall.

ME and Blue said...

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!

Jennifer Worick said...

"Eat my alarm clock" was a last-minute, late-night swap for just plain "suck it." So I'm glad you like it.

Kevin said...

Great idea for my next invention...the edible alarm clock...hhmmm...

SkitzoLeezra said...

Dude, those early birds don't WANT to wake early, they have insomnia and want take credit for it. No REAL person wants to get out of bed before the sun is up.

Yet Another Steve said...

Tip for those who work with early birds: If one of these chirpy nitwits calls a meeting for 7:30 AM that you are required to attend, you must call a meeting for 7:30 PM the next day, and require him or her to attend it. Fair's fair.

Jennifer Worick said...

Yet Another Steve: You're dreamy. Fair IS fair.

alisten@mac.com said...

As per SkitzoLeezra, I am one of those early bird, and they're right, it's just insommnia on the other end. But I do feel smug about it. But usually not when I'm falling asleep at a dinner party or a show (literally). I aspire to be a night owl. The only real benefit of being an early riser is that the light is so f'ing good.

Kooljanik said...

I will not go to any meeting before 1 p.m. I just play the "I don't have childcare card." I work nights and am working my butt off while they're farting in bed.