Friday, February 27, 2009

Limp handshakes and wimpy hugs

I dig a strong handshake. Mine is a point of pride, and I always extend my hand with intention and strength. I don’t get folks who place their hand in mine and sort of just leave it lying there, so I can hold their flaccid mitt. If I wanted a dead fish in my hand, I’d be down at Pike Place Market flirting with the fishmongers. If you are going to shake my hand, press the flesh like you mean business. I don’t care if you have sweaty palms, raggedy cuticles, or aphephobia. I do care if you washed after peeing. If you can't muster up the energy to grip my hand and give it a few pumps, rest assured I’m going to curl that hand up and steer it in the direction of your face. So much for your fear of being touched. Touch my fist, friend.

And if you’re going to hug me, press your body against me properly so I can hook my leg around your ass. That’s just good form. Don’t lean in and pat me on the back without actually making contact with me. It either indicates that 1) I smell (which is clearly ridiculous), 2) you are afraid of my boobs (which is possible), or 3) you hate the idea of human contact. Embrace intimacy, embrace me. I won’t bite (unless I really like you).

(Photo: http://adsoftheworld.com/media/print/casall_sports_products_the_fishy_handshake)

6 comments:

Sweetest Petula said...

just found your blog via a friend's suggestion...(Kathy S.)

Confusing feelings I have had for years, especially regarding "Namaste" and the OxyClean guy have become so much clearer.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Well, I do think my hugs are terrible, but the handshake thing, this is the best blog ever. I hate the weenie handshakes.

I will work on my hugs....

Anonymous said...

Wait a minute!
I agree with the whole "no wimpy handshake thing" I mean handshaking is civilized unless you suspect an issue with that persons hygine.
Anyway....
But hugging anyone but very close relatives (and only because you really have to)...what is that all about?
Don't tell me you are encouraging that kind of "invasion of personnel space" behavior?
Here's the bigger issue: what do you do when someone is coming at you with those arms out stretched like a bear trying to devour my personnel space? You better believe they are going to get what you might refer to as a "less than hardy hug"...

Anonymous said...

i meant to say hearty not hardy but either way no hugging unless you first ask for permission!

DG Strong said...

I think if someone hugs me heartily, I get to kiss them on the lips.

Tracy said...

What I would like is a witty remark when someone hands me the "cold fish". Anyone?