Tuesday, May 12, 2009

American Idol judges

Dawg, yo, yo, check it out. Here’s the thing: After eight seasons of American Idol, I’m over the sniping and playground antics. I may be a cold-hearted snake, but I want to look into the judges’ eyes and redirect the conversation where it belongs (toward Adam Lambert).

What is going on behind the judges’ table? The wheels have come off the short bus. At one point, Paula pulled out crayons (probably what she used for her eye makeup) and handed them to Simon, suggesting he was a wittle childish. It takes one to know one, even if you are hopped up on an OTC cocktail. And Randy and Kara, I’m not letting you off the hook, either. Stop taking the bait, talking over each other’s barbs, and keep your eyes on the goddamn stage.

How can I be so heartless? Well, I need something new to do, since my “Seacrest Out” voodoo doll doesn’t seem to be working.

It’s too late to apologize. Just focus on the performances and stop bickering with each other. You’re eating up airtime that could be spent talking about Adam, I mean, the contestants. Do what you do best: Paula, keep giving us kookaloo non sequiturs. Simon, take the words out of our mouths when critiquing the contestants. Randy, take the middle ground. Kara, well, um, just follow Randy’s lead with the commentary and keep wearing pretty baubles.

To make sure you fall in line for the finale, the voodoo dolls are in play. Feel that, Simon?

(Photo: Michael Becker/FOX)


Chris said...

Why is Seacrest seemingly immune to supernatural or holistic efforts to exorcise or cleanse him from among us? It's so odd... and evil or unclean!

Here's the thing... during the completely pre-taped programming I watch, I almost always skip past the judges during the judging portion of the 12 judged shows I watch (none of which is Idol, because I gag when watching people sing unless it's in person). The only judging I watch is that happening on the dog shows. That's because the dog-show judge doesn't talk. Heaven, or eco-system, help us from judges that talk. Shut up, judges. Just put up your little placards that show a 5 and a 7.5 or whatever. The minute judges speak, they imagine they have some kind of authority, which, let's face it, they probably don't. Just shut up.

Btw, I can't handle competition, so I never have to face any of this.

Anonymous said...

I'd just like to punch this whole idiotic show in the face, period. Along with every other fucking "reality" type show.