Thursday, March 26, 2009

Penis names

Big Daddy, Cock Hudson, Unihorn, Richard Dixon, Carl, One-Eyed Willie, Casanova, Sir Lancelot, Ralph.

You see where I'm going with this. If you’re a dude, chances are good that you've dubbed your dick.

Ever since I read Forever… by Judy Blume in junior high, I’ve been aware that guys have a penchant for naming their junk. I can appreciate the package as much as the next girl, I just don't need to be on a first-name basis with it.

I’ve got a few names for your Johnson, Junior, and none of them are found in the Big Book of Baby Names. Your little Richard doesn’t have a birth certificate, it doesn’t have a separate heartbeat, and it doesn’t merit a name. While my lady bits are remarkable, I’m not christening them and requesting a Social Security Number. They are much-loved, and yet remain nameless.

Your constant cumpanion needs to be put in its place, namely your drawers. And I know just the thing to turn Voldemort's Wand into He Who Shall Not Be Named.

Say hello to my little friend. Its name is Left Fist and it's ready to, uh, whack these upstarts into global amnesia anonymity. A penis by any other name would sound as beat.

(On a related note, if you're a chick who has given a pet name to your puss, belly up to the bar for your own cocktail of hurt.)



Anonymous said...

Stuart and I demand an apology.

Anonymous said...

You are freaking hilarious! I once knew a Mr. Stretchy, and a Hermie.

Anonymous said...

It's good to see you haven't lost your... um... grasp of the sublime.

Anonymous said...

I love Unihorn. That's brilliant.

Anonymous said...

LOL, "cumpanion"!

Fish Tank said...

Funny but I believe untrue.
Take the book you refer to, Forever by Judy Blume......A WOMAN who does not have a penis to name (that we know of anyway).
The penis-name thing only comes about when guys are bar-b-q'ing or out drinking and it's done in humor to see who can think of the best name.
But none of us actually name it, not any guy I have ever known. That statement being said, I believe the few guys that actually DO name it are just as shallow in personality as a parking meter.
NOW, there have been some girlfriends of buddies who seem bent on naming their junk, but for the guys, they do not. And it actually annoys us when a girlfriend 'names' it. I mean, you're here for me not my throbbing tusk of love, right?

We're really much more pragmatic than we're given credit for and frankly I'm tired of it. It's a dick, an appendage, a thunderous caldera of cartilage........not a pet or person.

(see how I eeked a name in there?....but for humor, not actual naming purposes)

And yes, I know your blog skirts on the humor side and I did enjoy it. It just struck that nerve in me who is sick and tired of men being labeled as either idiots or jerks.
Ok, I'm done. Thanks for tolerating my pseudo-rant.

DG Strong said...

Now wait! I know at least one WOMAN who's named her breasts ("Bunny & Roy") and another who's named her nevermind ("Lucy").

Tiffany said...

priceless...I can never keep a straight face when I hear a guys name for his "thing that shall not be named". The most recent one I heard was Mr. Richard. The guy is named Mike...

Anonymous said...

Heck, while were at it "Unihorn" or "Big Daddy" could provide wonderful entertainment...onion ring toss anyone?