Thursday, March 19, 2009


Outside of the reservation and 1979, a dreamcatcher is just plain dumb. Hung on a rearview mirror or as living room art, it deserves to be punched in its sinewy face. What made you think this was a good idea? Did you powwow with a shaman in a sweat lodge? Were you trippin’ on peyote with Val Kilmer?

While I was curiously drawn to the feathered roach clips on sale at the Berrien County Youth Fair back in the 80s, I backed away. I didn’t smoke the wacky tobackey and my name wasn’t Stands with a Pan-Indian Tchotchke in her Fist (although that would have been so fucking rad). Even then, I knew dreamcatchers sucked it hard.

Dreamcatchers were traditionally hung over a bed to protect papooses from nightmares. Um, sorry to break it to you, you woo-woo kookaloo, but you just conjured up the bad dream that is me. While listening to some sweet nature sounds with a backing woodlands flute, I am going to tie a stick to your southwestern Spirograph and thrash you within an inch of your life.

The American Indian wasn’t crying over pollution in that 1970s ad; he saw the writing—and your ridiculous dreamcatcher—on the wall.

(By the way, I think women should start calling their vag their dreamcatcher. Think about it...)

(Photo: wikipedia)


Cameron said...

I prefer to think of them as dream suckers as they seem to envelop all of my dreams and hopes for humanity and absorb and destroy them.
How come dreamcatchers caught on as a design idea from Native American society, but the scalps of vanquished foes skewered on posts outside of homes never quite did? My lawyer doesn't know the answer either.

CarlaCarlaCarlaCarla said...

I haven't thought about Spirograph in ages. Thanks for the link!

Anonymous said...

It's my fear to become a middle aged women wearing a giant turquoise T-shirt with wolves or whales on it, and a Dream-catcher hanging from my rearview mirror of my beat up Subaru. Please wake me up from this night mare!!!!

Anonymous said...

Don't forget that motherfucking Kokopelli! If I ever see THAT guy on the street....well just you wait and SEE.

Anonymous said...

It's my fear to wake up one day and realize that I get my kicks from writing a blog that I think will be accepted as 'zany' and 'hilarious' that is really just gratuitously negative. Jen, it's time for you to wake up, you're not funny.

Anonymous said...

We need a dreamcatcher (blogcatcher) for the previous comment... You've brought much laughter to many with your blogs - keep up the good work :^)

Anonymous said...

The fact that Anonymous thinks this is meant to be "zany" and "hilarious" make me want to punch him/her in the face. If you don't think the blog is funny, don't read it douche bag.