Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Calorie counts at fast-food restaurants

As soon as I beer-belly up to the counter of McDonalds/Burger King/Wendy’s/Chick-Fil-A/Jack in the Box/Popeye's/Arby’s/Taco Time/Taco Bell/Taco del Mar, I know I’m eating a week’s worth of calories. As soon as I turn into a drive-thru, the die has been cast. Why you gotta be reminding me of a truth that’s self-evident? A Big Mac tastes like a heart attack-in-training; I’m pretty sure that I’m not getting beta-carotene and antioxidants from the special sauce.

I know I’m a tub o' lard.

I know I’m killing myself.

And above all, I know I need to jam this signage in the deep-fat fryer.

In Seattle, Mickey D’s and its fatass-inducing friends are required to post nutrition information (i.e. calorie counts) on menu boards in the restaurant. Some even print it on the receipts.

Um, I already bought what you're selling; do I really want to remember the not-so-happy meal I put down my piehole when I’m recording the receipt in Quicken?

Roy Kroc is rolling over in his grave, and not because of acid reflux. It’s time to rip open the ketchup packets, become a BK Basquiat, and create a bit of avant-garde graffiti on the menu boards. Receipts and pamphlets will be gathered up, dipped in the fryer, slathered in mayo, brushed with Brazier flavor, rolled in a tortilla, covered in salsa and sour cream, and sandwiched between two waffles. Actually, that sounds pretty good. Maybe I should just hoover the nutrition information; anything goes down easy with a buttload of high-cal condiments. And this treat is guilt-free, as I suspect my rage is burning more than a few calories.

(Photo: www.gamingring.com)


Hope said...

I hate that as well. I live in the UK now (transplant from Arkansas) and they have been rumbling about taxing chocolate as it is a luxury AND it is responsible for making people fat. Hello, do they not realize how much fat is in an order of chips...or a chicken tikka from the takeaway? Do they not relaize that chocolate is the ONLY thing keeping me from going postal on the family (lol)?

PS. I love your blog..your rage at the common stupdities of life makes me feel like i am not alone...

otisgexperience said...

I discovered this annoyance while eating a quarter-pounder a couple days ago. It was printed right on the box. I was actually somewhat surprised at how low the calorie count was, but regardless... I would've eaten the damn thing anyway even if it was 2,000 calories.

Reminds me of the allegedly-healthy adult "Go Meal" they had awhile ago. Who goes to McDonalds to eat that kinda crap? Give me some real, old-fashioned, greasy kinda crap.

Love your blog. I might link to it one of these days, if I ever get around to it. :)