Monday, March 16, 2009

Joaquin Phoenix’s facial hair

Finally, I know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa, all those lost socks, and Lindsay Lohan’s acting career. They’re hidden in Joaquin Phoenix's facial forest.

I actually cringed when his own people turned on him, mocking his Letterman meltdown (see below) at the Academy Awards and the Independent Spirit Awards. This is an Oscar-nominated actor, folks! Don’t rip him a new one. Wake Rip Van Weenie from his somnambulant trance and throw him into rehab, therapy, or one-on-one rap lessons with Jay Z, another “retired” artist.

But first things first.

I don’t care if this is a hoax or a full-on psychotic break. Casey Affleck needs to put down the video camera, strap Bigfoot into a barber’s chair, and fucking mow that lawn. That’s what friends are for. If someone doesn't take care of this Chia Chump, I'm going to rototill that crop myself. Better yet, I'll grab some pruning shears and start shaping his fur into something befitting such a massive tool, say a large penis topiary.

(Photo: L.A. Times, Matt Sayles/Associated Press)


Chris said...

Okay, woman, YOU have put your finger right on it. This is freaky and bizarre and needs to be taken in hand.

I ask you: WHY Do we sometimes sit around feeling uncomfortable about drawing attention to our own bizarre mental glitches, even on our OWN BLOGS, when people who (IMHO) aren't really deserving of all this attention, just plaster themselves all over everything during their devolution?! If he wants to freak out, he needs to do it privately. It's only polite, fergodsake.

On the other hand, it's good commentary fodder. Rock on.

Anonymous said...

Found your blog through FUP. Great writing, hilarious commentary. Blog on!

Darcey Howard said...

This may be your best to date. But then again, i think that about every one of your TIWTPITF posts (hmm...need to come up with an acronym for Things I Want To Punch In The Face)

Anonymous said...

"Somnambulent". That's just awesome.
- Ellen Mikowski

Gnuke said...

I..I..I can't breathe....must stop laughing....can't do it she said facial forest!!!!!!!!

CarlaCarlaCarlaCarla said...

And don't forget Chia Chump. Nice.

Anonymous said...

Casey would reap a hella lot of action on YouTube if he would video tape the de-furring. PLEASE, Casey??? PLEEEEEEEEZE!!!?!????

Loralynn said...

Love "Chia Chump." When he was on Letterman, he must have been doing some serious You'd think he would have learned something from his brother's death.