Thursday, December 13, 2012


Fuck Middle Earth.

There, I said it.

I have serious hobbit fatigue. I thought we were done with dwarves, goblins, trolls, and the Bilbo Douchebaggins of the Tolkien world so I could get back to the business of hating on Steampunk and Ren Faires

Damn you, Peter Jackson.
The Hobbit is a children's book, which makes sense because so many Hobbiterations suffer from acute arrested development. Tolkien's books attract Wizards of the Coast-playing, Utilikilt-wearing, shaggy Peter Pans who live in their parents' basement and whack off while fantasizing about feeling up Galadriel.

Now the tale of Bilbo Baggins et al is about to be a big-screen trilogy and nerds everywhere can rejoice once again. Here's the thing, geeks—you aren't fringe clusters of bespectacled virgins playing Halo and talking about prime numbers. You and your culture have taken over. You have a place as a programmer waiting for you at Microsoft. You don't need a waistcoat and hairy prosthetic feet to feel like you're part of a quirky band of brothers. You may not be the 99 percent, but you are the 3.14159 percent.

Back away from the shire and the cosplay before I lead you to the Misty Mountains and leave you there. Let's see how you like being barefoot then.

* While I adore Martin Freeman—I am crushing wildly on his Dr. Watson in Sherlock—when he dons Bilbo's ears and feet, I lose my she-rection.



Anonymous said...

It would have made a good movie. Unfortunately, it's being made into three bloated bad movies. By the time they're through they make TITANIC seem riveting.

Anonymous said...

OMG I just belly laughed Bilboe douchebaggins ...fckn brilliant!!!

mbl said...

I tried to watch the movie via redbox. Not even Bluray could see me through.

I did like like the trilogy well enough. Although my most memorable moment from all 75 hours of screen time was when the giant trees began to mobilize. I whispered (sorry!) "The Ents go marching one by one. Hurrah! Hurrah!" to my husband. Truly, I did whisper, but not softly enough because the couple behind us started chuckling.

Anonymous said...

I loathe this just so deep you need to be there, age three to get it genre. bravo on your blog.