Monday, December 3, 2012

Body after baby

Poor curvy Jessica Simpson. Come to find out, she's a normal person. Seven months after giving birth, she still looks Rubensque as she strollers around in tunics and hooker platforms. Happy, healthy, and maybe pregnant, I can't help but wonder if she got knocked up again so quickly just so she can bounce on her Weight Watchers deal.

I realize that not everyone's created equal. Gisele, Heidi, Miranda—these freaks of nature were bouncing their newborns off their taut tummies within the first two weeks. Kate Hudson's post-baby abs should get their own credit on Glee.

Bitches all.

I've never given birth but I feel for moms, or any woman for that matter. How are we supposed to explain our pooch—be it from a burrito baby or actual infant—when there are assholes out there showing off their six-pack with their six week old on their hip? Not cool. When celebrimoms grace the cover of US Weekly, claiming their speedy weight loss is due to breast feeding or a high metabolism or good genes, we know you're lying like a rug. You have Jillian Michaels, a nanny, a food delivery service, an impressive collection of Spanx, and possibly a wet nurse tucked away somewhere.

Please, give us a break and give us a chance. Step away from the Pilates Reformer, enjoy your baby, and let us have a moment in the spotlight with our Miraclesuits and jaunty scarves that draw the eye up.

Fuck you, Kristin Cavallari.

(photo: Jessica Alba, four months after giving birth;


Karrie said...

It is weird how totally unnatural it is to lose baby weight so soon after birthing and yet how that's rapidly become the expectation for not only celebs but for us regular ladies too. So much pressure! If I have a baby I will eat healthy and continue with yoga, etc. but my god, get your priorities straight women! You've got to wonder what they really do to get so thin so quickly after the birth, right? I wonder how many have plastic surgery to remove the pouch. Sad.

Anonymous said...

I think it goes both ways. As a momma who lost weight easily... YES, breastfeeding burns a ton of calories, and I did not deprive myself... I sometimes feel that I'm being judged because of my rapid return to my pre-baby weight. What you don't see if that no matter how skinny a momma is, her body feels very different and IS different. She does Pilates and yoga and exercises not necessarily because she is vain, but because her life has been turned upside down and she needs one small thing to make her feel like herself again, to bring her own normalcy back into her life, and to help make evey move she makes less exhausting. Just because se looks good on the outside does not mean she has had plastic surgery or that she is not enjoying her child(ren)! Or that she has any more help than an hour of free time to catch an exercise class or to follow a video. Everybody and every body is different, so please don't judge!

Anonymous said...

LOL @ burrito baby.

Eco said...

I hate how we hear about the supermodels who have a baby and are in the Victoria's Secret fashion show two weeks later. Bitch please!

Lenz32 said...

Whine, whine, whine. If you didn't use pregnancy as an excuse to eat like a pig and turn into the Circus Fat Lady you wouldn't HAVE all that baby weight to loose. Blame the responsible party...yourself. The only thing you have is hoof and mouth disease, you hoof it to the 'fridge and stuff it in your mouth. Try a reasonable diet and exercise during pregnancy and CONTINUE it after birth and you can stop your whining and join the worshiped. A man didn't knock you up to fatten the sow. Sack up, girls.