Pinky rings

Are you in da mob? The universal sign of mafia d-bag, pinky rings are the older generation’s equivalent of Ed Hardy gear. Klassy with a K, which come to think of it, also stands for kielbasa. Have you gotten so bloated that you have to wear your wedding ring on that sausage that doubles as a pinky?

Grease that digit up with some olive oil and yank that ring off and put it where it belongs: on the finger of a small, malnourished child.

(photo: luxury4play.com)

Beach makeup and jewelry

As the temperatures soar, I beeline to the beach. But instead of cooling off, my blood really starts to boil when I spot tantards, tricked out in full-on makeup and their entire jewelry box. Even if you happen to be a Kardashian sister or are filming a reality show, back away from the waterproof eyeliner and the gold bangles. (And if you are Snooki, start jackhammering that shit off before I do it for you.)

Wearing the complete cosmetic cornucopia—foundation, blush, bronzer, eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, lipliner, lipstick—is going to clog your pores, particularly if you add sunscreen into the mix. And when you wear a tangle of necklaces or a fistful of rings, you’re adding tan lines, dulling your baubles, and risking loss or damage.

Oh, and you look fekking dumb. You look like you’re trying too hard. Frankly, you look desperate. Sorry to put sand in your Spandex, but the beach is a place to chill and let your hair down. It’s not the place to show off your new Shimmer Brick and tennis bracelet.

Step away from the MAC and the Maybelline, and leave the ghetto gold back at the beach house. Real beach bunnies have the confidence to embrace the elements and their natural beauty. I learned that from Baywatch.

(photo: inquisitr.com)

Ankle bracelets

If tennis bracelets are the jewelry equivalent of the French manicure, then ankle bracelets are press-on nails. I’m not quite sure about the origins of the anklet, but it seems like a gold-plated shackle to a shitbox life hanging out at the mall.

How’s that work when putting on socks? It must chafe at the gym. It’s particularly awesome when it’s over (and sometimes under) nylons. Usually that hosiery color is “suntan” and the anklet is straight out of Things Remembered. In a word, hot.

Speaking of smokin’, I remember watching Love in the Afternoon a few years back and wondering why Audrey Hepburn chose to strap on an anklet to pose as a woman of the world. Wouldn’t red lipstick have done the trick? But now I get it. An ankle bracelet was her sign that she was open for business and believe me, Gary Cooper was buying what she was selling. The ankle bracelet wasn’t an indicator of class, but a measure of how many times around the block she had been.

I think we should string together all these chain-link offenses, lasso the women who wear them, and send them back to hell (i.e., Claire’s Boutique).

(photo: home-jewelry-business-success-tips.com)

Tennis bracelets

Forgive my lack of sophisdickation, but does anyone actually play tennis while wearing these? In my mind, jewelry + exercise = silly. Diamond bracelets shouldn’t have anything to do with tennis (Chris Evert learned this the hard way when she broke one mid-tournament and had to stop the match to retrieve her gemstones). Like chicklets in Juicy sweatsuits, gals wearing tennis bracelets are most likely not mid-exercise.

The jewelry equivalent of a French manicure, tennis bracelets are nouveau riche. As soulless as Ryan Seacrest, these bourgeoisie baubles don’t denote your status on the social ladder; they tag you as sheep. They aren’t bracelets as much as leashes. Baby, you may own a few carats of J-grade diamonds, but your ass is metaphorically owned by Kay Jewelers and the Cheesecake Factory.

Since you put the ass in class, I'm going to carve "classy" into your butt cheeks with one of your diamonds. Too harsh? Okay, fine. I'll rip that double fault of wretched excess off your tanorexic wrist and lash you with it instead. I'm just helping you leave your mark.

(photo: flickr.com/photos/rmrayner/509802076/)