Saturday, June 9, 2012

Celebutard authors

Nicole Richie did it. The Sisters Kardashian did too. Snooki, Lauren Conrad, and Teresa Guidice did it more than once.

I’m not talking about making a sex tape.

These dimwits all wrote books. Everyone mentioned above, save Teresa, wrote novels. And by “wrote,” I’m guessing that means they slapped their name on something a publishing intern knocked out.

Don’t you need opposable thumbs to write a book?

These celebs have all added “author” to their multi-hyphenated bios. Well, I’ve got a few choice words that might sum you up: Fame-seeker. Cooch-flasher. Grammar bungler. Low forehead.

Teresa Guidice can’t even string words together with any sort of proper syntax. She’s like Jersey’s version of Yoda. “Kidding me you are?”

And box of hair Snooki is even less believable, not because she’s mostly likely illiterate but because she would never take time out of her GTL regimen to direct her ghostwriter. I see it going something like this: “Um, yeah, let’s write a book—is nonfiction or fiction the one that’s not real?—where there’s a girl who, you know, is DTF with a juicehead she meets at a club. Wait, is that a pickle?”

Fuck yes, I'm mad bitter. Like prescription eyeglasses, let me have this. I’ve never been cool or tan or on a reality show. But I write. I have been published. You can have your reality show, oily bohunk and what will assuredly be an orange baby. Just let me and other writers have our bylines. I may not be a triple threat but I can live quite happily with my multi-hypenate of blogger-author-malcontent.

(Note that I'm talking about a select group of "famous for no reason" celebrities who parlay their celebrity into other products to extend their brand. I love loads of television personalities—Hello, Stacy London!—who bring integrity, wit, expertise, and intelligence to book projects. I'm a niche, not a broad-brushed, hater.)


downfromtheledge said...

Let talented WRITERS write, instead of all these hobags dibbing their grubby fingers in every pot they can think of. Same with celebrity cookbooks and cooking shows...I'd much rather see someone deserving, who comes up from nothing, win out by talent than any pleasant-faced moron getting book deals. Well Tori Spelling isn't pleasant-faced, but you get the idea....

Anonymous said...

So in agreeance!

It pisses me off too, and yes, 99.9999% of celebs DO NOT write their own books. They get paid for their name and a ghostwriter owned by the pub house whips up some piece of fluffy gutter trash just to make money.

What does it say about publishing houses that they waste their money on shit celebs like this? I heard the book barely sold, so what a waste that was. In so many ways!