Monday, June 28, 2010

Kristen Stewart’s posture

You’re gorgeous, young, and rich. You’re part of the biggest movie franchise around, save maybe Harry Potter. You have a vampire AND a werewolf fighting over you, for chrissakes. Life, unlike the Volturi, doesn’t suck.

Own it.

Stand up straight.

Every time I see you at an schmancy event, hunched over and rocking back and forth like a rhesus monkey who misses its mom, all I think is “Gollum in lipgloss.”

You’re all moody and shit, equating paparazzi photos of you to images of someone being raped. Newsflash, Bella, you don’t get to be emo in Proenza Schouler. You shouldn’t be pissy while getting oxygen facials, being adored by the world's 15 year olds, and macking on R-Patz.

Take some calcium, hit a Pilates Reformer class, and stop looking like you’re itching to ring the bells of Notre Dame at twilight.



Anonymous said...
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Tricia Orchard said...

That is such a good one!

"rocking back and forth like a rhesus monkey"....This really makes my day.

Thanks for the laugh!

Unknown said...


As mother to a blossoming 12-year-old girl who loves the "Twilight" franchise, I cringe to see her idols behaving as if life handed them an odoriferous barrel of fish entrails. Oh, the angst! Wish they would stand up and show some class and dignity.

Glenn Freel said...

Wow. Awesome read today. This one must have really chapped your hide :-)

Is it just me or does she dye her hair almost as often as her admirers cut themselves?

Jennifer Worick said...

You guys crack my shit up. "Is it just me or does she dye her hair almost as often as her admirers cut themselves?" Hahahahahaha

Anonymous said...

Yeah. Rhesus monkey. Gollum. Ha! Nothing goes as well with morning coffee as a read like that.

Junque Rethunque said...

I stay away from her paparazzi pictures, but just watching her "act" is torture. All the breath-holding and the brow-wrinkling and the eyelid-blinking... GAAAAAH!!

SkitzoLeezra said...

"Gollum with lip gloss" - SO gonna steal that!

Jodi said...

Uh, just when I thought this post couldn't get any more funny or spot-on, I read Glenn's comment: "Is it just me or does she dye her hair almost as often as her admirers cut themselves?" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Nicely played, sir.

Ashley said...

hahaha! I feel exactly the same way.

Heidi Malott said...

Amen Sister! I am amazed that she ever found success with all the pouting. Of course thats Hollywood!

I crawled out from under my rock to watch Twilight for the first time last week to see what all the hooplah was about. Something about vampires does suck you in (sorry) but it was torture watching her "act" The slow motion-stare-sigh-pout-sorta-like-a soap-opera- needs a punch in the face.

-thanks for this funny outlet, I feel better now :)

Parabolic Muse said...

HAAA! This is SO brilliant! She always depresses the shit out of me and I don't even watch the films! If she's so fucking nonchalant about everything why don't we just fucking ignore her? JEEZ. Life is short, asswipe. We get to cut you loose.