Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Express lane hogs

Really? Are you really going to try to pass off your Thanksgiving shopping for a family of eleven and, by the looks of it, several pets, as a modest express lane basket? Really? The stuffing ingredients alone exceed the limit, which, in case you forgot your glasses or can’t read, is 12.

And just because you’re not making eye contact with me doesn’t mean I’m not here or that you’ve suddenly rendered your overflowing cart invisible. I can see you, your party bags of Ruffles, and string-bean casserole ingredients. And you’re all making me sick. Instead of being thankful for my good fortune and the peppermint ice cream in my basket, I’m stewing over your gross misconduct.

Let me talk turkey: you blow. And I bet your spinach dip does, too.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful for a few things: my impending tryptophan coma, for example, when I can forget all about you and your shoddy holiday behavior. It’s not called Thankstaking now, is it?



Chickens in the Basement said...

Where is the "Bad Behavior Police" when you need them? Oh, you were right behind them in line! How do these folks develop their sense of entitlement! I'm not Catholic, but I sure got a dose of the guilt somewhere along the way!

jamie@midcenturymania said...

My son shops with me frequently and I am NEVER allowed to go through the express line if I have one itsy bitsy thing over 12. Okay, I am guilty of stretching it maybe by one or two items but only if it's a two for one sale. Does that count? Hmmm...

Anonymous said...

... and you just KNOW that the person with the 74 items will wait till they're all rung up, THEN start looking for her checkbook, because she didn't know her own name, the date, or the name of the store until the total was announced. And then she'll fill in the check register and balance the total before starting on the check. And then, while searching for the ID she had no idea she'd need to cash a $320 check, she'll find an old coupon she meant to use, and yes, it's expired, but the store down the STREET would accept it, and she wants to see the manager about saving that 15 cents on one of her 10 cans of tomato paste. (Meantime, stuck in line behind her, I am concentrating with all my might on one of her cans of green beans, trying to psychically
encourage botulism.)

SkitzoLeezra said...

Someone complained once and was told by the WalMart employee that they were instructed to NEVER acknowledge that a customer had over the allotted number of items for express line so basically it is a self-policing honor system. In other words, the express lane signs are a lie.
I hate those line hogs and hope they choke on their rudely gotten grub.

Chris said...

I'm sure the express lane was devised by the Corporate Fascists who don't want to pay to staff every aisle with checkers and who think that 'giviing' us a 'quick' lane will appease us and make us forget that they are cheapass bastards who want to maintain their ever-increasing profit margin. They'd be HAPPY if we killed each other in line, those bastards!

Also, what Steve said.