Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Airport bagels

As much as I crave a fresh, doughy, warm-from-the-oven poppyseed bagel, I really can’t stomach airport bagels. You know the kind: dry yet weirdly foamy pucks that have the audacity to masquerade as a bread product. They get busted out in airport coffee shops and delis and at lame buffets (steer clear at your next sales conference if you know what’s good for you).

A freezer-burned Lender’s Bagel would taste like a delicacy compared with this waste of intestinal space. All I can say is, whatever corner of hell they're made in must have really suck-ass water. I suppose the airport powers that be think any sort of filler food is fine for a long flight, but let me tell you, I’d rather chew on the Skymall catalog than try to choke this thing down. Even using it as a vehicle for cream cheese is futile: the spread just sits there, refusing to melt into the breadrock—even if the potential murder weapon has been toasted.

We delicate flowers need alternatives to McDonalds, sure, and sometimes trail mix isn’t going to do it. But no amount of asiago is going to mask the sawdust that went into these plastic-wrapped plastic bagels. Kick them to the curb in favor of something like PB&J or mac and cheese. I’ll happily take the remaining inventory off your hands. They'll make excellent pucks for makeshift airport shuffleboard. Meet me outside Gate 18; we’ll borrow some brooms from the janitorial staff and get it on.



Anonymous said...

To quote Calvin Trillin's daughter:

"Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread?"

Chris said...

WHAT the fuk happens to those things? Because there's NO WAY anyone eats them.

mermayd said...

guilty as charged. flew to chicago via newark airport (really??) last weekend and was so hungry before i got on the plane (cuz they don't serve food anymore, ya know) i actually bought one of these things at the "great american bagel co". it filled me up. and made me pay later. please, please, airlines!! start handing out the pretzels again!!!