Thursday, April 30, 2009

Tyra’s tutorials

“There’s a way of being a corpse while still having life in your eyes. It’s the difference between THIS (blank dead fish stare) and THIS (squinty dead fish stare). Do you see the difference?”

Oh, Professor Banks, you’re so wise! If only there was a Nobel Prize for FIERCENESS, you'd be picking up your medal in Stockholm.

A longtime fan of ANTM, I’m always amused by the number of times during panel this preacher teacher schools a fucktard on how to work her face. It reminds me of the opthalmologist’s office. “Which is better? A or B? A or B?” Um, is this a trick question? Are you playing a Helen Keller joke on me? They’re both exactly the same!

Tyra, where would we be without your deep insights into the industry? We’d show up at go-sees without our heels. We’d mouth off to the photographer. We’d ask the designer to give us his clothing samples. We’d miss shoots because of a little case of swine flu. But most tragic of all, we’d never learn how to smile with our eyes…and we’d have to pack our bags and go home.

Before we go, in the event you need a refresher course, let me pull out a dead fish and slap your money-maker with it. This is what a punched-in-the-face face looks like. This is what a punched-in-the-face face looks with smiling eyes. See the difference?



Anonymous said...

I'm still pissed about Miracle Whip.

Whit said...

HAH! There's also the classic teach of not making it ugly ... making it "model' ugly.

Can I punch the word "cycle" in the face as well?

Anonymous said...

Also, have you noticed that when Tyra talks to one of the African-American girls, she turns up the black, all (high-pitched) "GIRL!" and "yo" and "booty."

Eveline said...

How about the broken doll pose? I don't understand why they always think it's pretty. It's not. It looks like you broke your back, or you're in great abdonimal pain. It's not pretty. At all.

Eveline said...

Abdominal. Duh.