Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Celebrity baby names

Pop quiz: Which of these are actual Hollywood baby names?
a. Ikhyd

b. Reign Beau
c. Audio Science
d. Pilot Inspektor

e. All of the above

You guessed it, being smart and shit, that the answer is “all of the above.”

I don’t hate the players, I just hate the name. I’m happy to have these kids grow up and join my posse. Kal-El (Superman’s Kryptonian name) and Moxie Crimefighter can knock down my haters. Hermes is destined to be my personal shopper, and Reign Beau my nutritionist.

Kids have enough problems without insecure yet narcissistic parents saddling them with a nutbar name. Why not let them discover who they are, rather than assigning them a name that’s sure to seal their fate? In Neverlandish, Blanket translates as “your father is koo koo crazy.” Ikhyd sounds like an exotic animal that can roam the plains alongside an okapi. Jermajesty and Banjo are gonna get their asses kicked up and down the playground. And even I feel fucked just thinking about Audio Science.

For shits and giggles, let’s change your names and see how you like it. From here on out, Kal-El’s daddy Nic Cage is going to be called Lex Loser. Rachel Griffith (Banjo’s mom) is hereby dubbed Accordion Fold. Ving Rhames sired Reign Beau so I think it’s more fitting to change his name to Pot O. Gold. Audio Science mom Shannyn Sossamon can be tagged as “Exhibit A” and be used as a test subject in a research experiment.

And, finally, Robert Rodriguez, since you are a repeat offender (Rebel, Racer, Rocket, Rogue, ridiculous), I’m going to give you a special moniker; I'm thinking "Rectum" or "Reduce Reuse Recycle."

What names do you want to stick these asshats with?
What baby names make you want to claw your face off?

(photo of Jason Lee with wife and son Pilot Inspektor:


Hope said...

good point! One of my dear friends says that all baby names should have to be submitted to children's services BEFORE being given to kids, as some of the kooky names are really a form of child abuse. I once encountered a kid named Davey Smavey and another named Arain Nation with a sibling named White Pride...if that ain't abuse, I don't know what is!

Tommy said...

Sure, those are bad. But is it really any worse than the deluge of young adults all named some form of Brittany?

Or the slightly older wave, all named Jennifer. (Oops, sorry.)

Jennifer Roland said...

I have a theory that these names are fakes cooked up to protect the children's privacy. Pilot Inspektor may really be named Robert, Luke, or even Earl.

Andrea said...

I can't wait to see how Blanket Jackson turns out.

Heather - said...

I give Robert Rodriguez special license because he's awesome.

mduette said...

Forget the baby names...I'm ecstatic to encounter another human being who knows what an okapi is. Did NO ONE ELSE have National Geographic mammal books as a child? Gheesh!

cotorra said...

how about naming one of them
Myparents A. Assholes.
(the A. stands for Are)

Kat said...

Gotta say that "Ikhyd" sounds like some type of non-edible plant fungus to me LOL. Of course, that's coming from a mom that gave all her kids plain-Jane/Joe American names ;) .

Kat said...

(Re: previous poster's comment) And one of the Aryan Nation sibling's name is Adolph Hitler if you can believe it. They had a visit from Child Protective Services, and I don't know what happened next. That family lives about 30 minutes from me too.

HDN said...

What baby names make you want to claw your face off?


Anonymous said...

just go to I don't know what's wrong with these people...

Anonymous said...

I heard of a child named Miracle Angel once. Get out the barf bag.

I don't know if I feel more sorry for Pilot Inspektor because of his name or because his parents are also Scientologists.

Fanboy Wife said...

It's not only celebrities who give their children stupid names. Regular, idiotic people give their children inane names with horrible spelling and impossible pronunciations. In my region, for some reason parents like to add a lot of unnecessary silent letters to their children’s names.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations to Robert Rodriguez on the birth of Retard, the newest addition to his family! Retard Caligula Rodriguez, welcome to the world!