Thursday, November 5, 2009


Your windsock stays on my mind. In fact, it’s burned into my retina. I’ve tried to consider the lilies of the field, really I have, but I can’t. Because your giant rainbow windsock is spoiling, spinning, and polluting my view.

I already knew you were a Notre Dame fan, thanks to the bumper sticker, license plate frame, and leprechaun antenna ball on your PT Snoozer. I don’t need to be reminded of your misguided love, because frankly, I could care less. And like your unfathomable affection for the Fightin’ Irish, I also don’t give a rat’s ass about your penchant for pirates, whales, or snowmen. Why do you feel the need to clog up your yard, porch, stoop, or front door with these garbage bags?

Do you keep your seasonal or themed windsocks in the garage next to the extra lawn gnomes, gazing balls, and inflatable snow globes? Since your windsocks are most likely flame-retardant, I think the best way to clean house is to sew these polyester air condoms together, fill them with helium, and create a hot-air balloon that can transport these back to hell, or at least to the local landfill.



SkitzoLeezra said...

Hey, while you're at it, go ahead and sew up the entire Balloon Boy family in that helium (and hate) filled windsock!

Anonymous said...

Wind socks are pretty bad, but I have a serious hatred for the people with the seasonal polyester front yard FLAGS.

In the summer it's a popsicle, fall it changes to leaves, then a turkey, then a snowman, then hearts, etc etc. It's like, I get it. You like holidays. MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

Oh. And those people with the stickers on their cars that depict their entire family! You know, the ones where there is the dad, mom, kids, and sometimes the dog and cat all in a row? Oh I hate them too...

Anonymous said...

Naah, the real pollutant is WIND CHIMES. Yeah. Those fuck-you folks who have the biggest, clangiest, clinkiest messes of metal on strings hanging on their patios, and who, when they get tired of the sound, shut their doors for the night. But for those who live nearby and like the breeze and the sound of the birds, forget it, there is no respite. Bong bong clash tinkle bong, day and night. Watch for forthcoming headline: "Asshole family found beaten to death with own wind chimes; all neighbors within a half-block radius found guilty of participation."

Anonymous said...

You know, upon further reflection, it occurs that these wind socks may not be flame retardant. So it is the duty of the truly concerned citizen to find out, on a case-by-case basis, if they really are.