Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Old-guy ponytails

Dude, don’t you know that size—or in this case, length—doesn’t matter?

When I see someone sporting a tired, scraggly ponytail, I have to muster every bit of self-control not to whip out some scissors and cut off that last stand of I don’t know what. More frayed than a jute rope and with more split ends than Courtney Love 11 days into a psychotic break, I don’t get the point. Mullets at least have that “business in the front, party in the back” thing going on (but believe me, they are punchworthy too, which just goes to show how far down on the follicular food chain these limp locks are). What can you say about a man with a mangy ponyfail? Hippie in the front, dying hippie in the back? Often, the ponytail accompanies a balding pate, which, guess what?, isn’t fooling anyone. No amount of length on your last 134 strands will compensate for the loss of hair everywhere else on your dome.

Trust me, trust anyone other than your misguided, insecure sense of style and chop that napeworm off. You will look hip, not hippie, as though you exist on this side of the Millennium. And if you don’t tame the beast, I might not be so kind next time I happen upon you.

24 comments:

Cameron said...

Ponytails are generally a bad idea, regardless of age, gender, or creed. Unless used as a weapon, à la Steven Segal. Then, and only then, are they acceptable...nay – coveted.

Betsy said...

"No amount of length on your last 134 strands will compensate for the loss of hair everywhere else on your dome."

Ah, thank you for that. It was needed today. And they DO look like jute rope! They get me thinking more about macrame owl wall hangings than they do 'hey, that's a sweet ass ponytail...'

Jennifer Worick said...

You are both hilar. They are like macrame wall hangings! And yes, Cameron, you have a point about hair as a weapon. Just another tool in a tool's toolbox.

Jewels Diva said...

Oh, I can't stand men who think they're so shit hot with their long hair tied back.

It's 2009 you fuck wit, get a life and get a haircut!!!

Eveline said...

You're not the only one who feels this way. In the BBC comedy show Armstrong and Miller they have this running gag about men with ponytails. Here's one of the clips:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxA6zxBMzp8

Wilma NC said...

Just found your blog and spent the last 30 minutes reading your older posts. LMAO!! I totally agree about the peeing all over the toilet seat, if you're going to do that, at least lift the seat up first!!! My husband has long hair, but he is letting grow until the troops are pulled from Iraq. And his hair is pretty, rarely in a ponytail. Thanks for the yuks.

Jennifer Worick said...

Thanks for the love, Wilma. I can forgive your husband's hair for such a good cause!

Yet Another Steve said...

Yeah, most of those ponytails bear an unsettling resemblance to, say, a mop left standing in a corner of a public restroom, and they're just about as inviting. Others look like hair clogs fished up from sinks. It ain't a pretty look.

Michaela said...

NAPEWORM!!! I love you (Jennifer, NOT the ponytail)

janay said...

cool....................................................................................................

Just a guy said...

I only know one "old" guy with a PT. His name is Greg... he's in my Vietnam Veterans of America chapter in Vancouver, WA.

He was a Ranger... and a sniper in-country. I don't give a rip what his hair looks like.

Mid Century Madam said...

You are a very funny person and a fantastic writer. I look forward to reading future posts and I'll also enjoy looking at previous posts. Thanks. I love it when people tell it like it is. No bullshit!

a.e. said...

I'm trying to figure out a way to make my brother read this blog and perhaps this post so that he will get a grip and cut his hair. He has the most beautiful thick hair, but ignores it for so long that it is exactly the way you describe it--long, stringy, and very unappealing. I love him, but his yucky ponytail has got to go! By the way, I've just spent awhile reading all your previous posts--hilarious!

Admin said...

Girl:
You sound just like me, you are a
riot! My friend thought it was me
writing the ponytail comment, I live
in San Francisco and see that crap
all the time....morons.

Cheers,
Doreen Brown
iyamwhati@yahoo.com

CarlaCarlaCarlaCarla said...

I wouldn't blame you for accusing me of being a worst-case-scenario sorta person, but what if these complaints backfire? In spite of your helpful suggestions that the pony-men cut their hair to a manageable length, I'm concerned that some may decide to let those locks loose. *shudder*

And Cameron's right, Segal's a badass. But Chuck Norris was / is / always will be sexier.

Olga said...

@ Just a Guy - totally agree with you. If less people were thinking they are on top the world just because they "know" how to dress right, our world would be such easier place to live in.

mitziscollectibles said...

I totally agree, and to make matters worse, I don't think they wash their hair very often at all, because I've been downwind of some of these dudes and have been hit in the face by dirty hair smell....yuck!

Nikky Hall said...

OMG u have so made me choke on my brownie here!! PMSL at your observations! I once had to sit behind someone wearing a very ill-fitting wig on a bus - I swear it moved of it's own accord it honked so badly! x

Titanium said...

Napeworm...

I just inhaled espresso with a gigantic snort. That's incredibly funny.

戴佩妮Penny said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
F.S. Symington said...

I wasn't aware that how I choose to wear my hair or clothes had to be a fashion statement for you or anyone else. I'm old enough, now, that how I wear my hair is a matter of convenience and not meant to attract or please anyone; especially not some self-inflated, sartorialy challenged ninny like you.

cosmogirl said...

how do i get my 35 year old brother to let me cut his hair? he has had a ponytail for like 7 years now, and since his hair is thinning at the top of the crown, pulling it back is most certainly not flattering. i am almost done beauty school, and could easily give him a flattering, attractive, suitable haircut that would make him far more appealing and give him a confidence boost, but he wont listen to me. i fear that any suggestion of cutting his hair will cause him to decide to permanently keep it long. his hair is medium thickness, and curly at the ends because it falls to below his shoulders when down. i wish he would let me cut it. any ideas that would help me succeed in convincing him to let me help him?

Anonymous said...

With Olga and Just a Guy: Why do you really care so much? And why do so many people assume they KNOW best. It is hair, get over it. I'm training as a Make-up Artist at college (BTEC). The ponytail is very effective for the girls in my class to keep the hair away from their faces during practical. If I or the other boys on the course had long hair it would be just as effective.

There are more important things to bother about and there is tonnes to discover.

jdhunter said...

I am always pleased to encounter the easily annoyed; they give me soooo much power.