Space Invaders (and not the rad Atari variety)

Rainbow Space Invaders
Originally uploaded by Rosy_O

I'm sorry, do I know you? Did you want to pay for my groceries? Are you trying to get a DNA sample? If the answer to any of the above questions is “no,” I have one thing to say to you:

Back. The. FUCK. Up.

Well, actually, I have a bit more to add.

If you’re close enough for me to smell what you ate for dinner last night, you are cramping my style and my body. You aren’t going to get to the register any damn faster. Calm down and stop hoovering the anti-oxidant trail mix; no one is going to cut in front of you at Trader Joe’s. I know your plane is boarding in an hour; so are the flights for the 10 people in front of us. Hold your fugly topsiders and your Ziploc bag and step back before I clock you and you miss your flight altogether.

Being the optimist (and a Monty Python fan), I like to look on the bright side of life. The upshot of your vertical spooning? You’re within my reach. I don’t have to move to push back…hard. Shove off and stop sharing my oxygen. Oh, and yes, my hair does smell terrific.

TIWTPITF nabs Kreativ Blogger award!

Indie Icing passed on the blog love by presenting me and TIWTPITF with the Kreativ Blogger award. Here's how it works: Once I receive it, I need to pass it onto seven other bloggers who rock my world. So without further ado, here are my picks for the award. Check them out and show them some love.

• Fuck You, Penguin: This genius blog partly inspired TIWTPITF. Dude is hilar.
  
• This Is Why You're Fat: I needed to link this to my cross-pollinated food post. Ugh. My cholesterol is going up just thinking about the photos on this blog.
• Your Baby Is an Asshole: Need I say more?
• CraftyPod: Diane Gilleland's blog and podcast covers everything going on in the craft world.
• CraftFail: Heather Mann started this group blog to showcase our beautiful disasters (also check out her clever Dollar-Store Crafts blog).
• Do Stuff!: Lee Meredith's blog chronicles her many far-out creations.
• Dudecraft: Paul Overton makes stuff, and he's not ashamed to say it.

Honorable Mention:

• Stuff White People Like: Y'all probably already know about this popular blog, but I have to give it a shout-out anyway.

Oh, and I'm supposed to list seven of my favorite things. Not a surprise to those who know me:
7. A good book in a hot bath
6. A cold Tangueray and tonic on a hot day
5. Whac-a-Mole
4. My friend Alison's laugh, the one that's accompanied by banging her hand on the table and breaking whatever ring she's wearing
3. Photo booths
2. Bon Jovi
1. Pie

What blogs do you check every day (besides TIWTPITF, natch)?

Pollen

I know plants need you to grow and shit, but do you have to rub it in our faces (especially my right eye, which is almost swollen shut because of your need to be front and center)? I swear, you’re just like John Mayer or Speidi: stop talking about you for a minute and you have to whip up a new controversy to get carried along in the wind. Get over yourself and let something else shine for once. Have you ever considered that mold spores might like a moment now and again?

I don’t mean to be a major ragweed but enough is enough. I’m tired—seriously, I need a nap—of breathing only through my mouth. It’s time to make hay, not hay fever, while the sun shines, which means I need to wash you and your allergen pals outta my hair, off of my skin, and down the drain. I’m going to drown your greedy sinus-squatting ass in vats of antihistimines and decongestants. Maybe that’ll teach you to keep to your turf and fertilize flora, not my nasal passages…microscopic bitch.

It feels good to finally get that out of my system.

(Photo: flickr.com/photos/neoserenity333/1328125376)

Mercury in retrograde

I’ve been dreading this day for awhile. By most accounts, goddamned Mercury goes into retrograde today and ends May 30. What this means is that Mercury appears to us earthlings to slow down and move backwards for several weeks.

It also means that I’m fucked.

I am often suspicious of anything with a whiff of woo-woo, but over the years, I’ve learned to heed the power of this punk-ass planet. E-mails go missing, interpersonal communication goes down the crapper, misunderstandings abound, business deals fall through, my motherfucking motherboard dies. It’s about this time that I turn to the bottle.

How this little bitch planet wields so much impish power is beyond me and people a whole lot higher on the intellectual food chain. The one thing I do know is that this ass-illogical shit has gots to stop. I think a call to NASA is in order. Maybe if we can hit it hard enough with a monster missile, we can change its orbit and stop the insanity.

But until we make that happen, back your files up…seriously.

(photo: zamzamworld.com/science_space_2.htm)

Middle initials

William F. Buckley, Johnny B. Goode, Howard K. Stern, Vivica A. Fox, Michael J. Fox, Alex P. Keaton, Craig T. Nelson, Donnie B. Douchebag, the list goes on…

Stephen Hawking doesn’t use his middle initial. Neither does Queen Elizabeth. You shouldn’t either. Heck, Buddha, Oprah, and Madonna can get away with just one name, you greedy son of a bitch.

I don’t have an issue with you having a middle name or initial; I have a problem with you using it. Like many actors (several who I mentioned above), William H. Macy added his out of necessity, since there was another Bill Macy registered with SAG. I get it. But if there’s no actual reason for busting out the middle initial, leave it where it belongs: on your birth certificate.

Jesus H. Christ, you are one pretentious fuck. Do you think one letter is going to be able to mask the fact that you’re lacking two other letters, namely “I” and “Q”? I think the only appropriate thing to do is to repurpose a passel of early learning alphabet books, Duct-tape them together, and beat you until you forget your name and we can start from scratch.

(photo: bestuff.com/stuff/alex-p-keaton)

Renée Zellweger’s bird face

Are you having an allergic reaction? Can you even see through those slits you call eyes? What are you so fucking smug about? Bridget Jones Diary and Chicago were a longgggg time ago, sweetcheeks. Maybe you’re worried about the recession and you’re storing nuts in there for next winter (which is, admittedly, not a bad idea). Whatever the case, Tweety Bird, you need to step away from the cosmetic fillers, bee stings, and possibly shellfish and give your face a chance to deflate.

But not until after I clean your cuckoo clock. If you insist on maintaining your face bloat, let me offer me, myself & my fist to the cause. Slapping will put some color in your cheeks, while a serious punch or two will swell those eyes shut once and for all.

You had me at hell, no!

Bizspeak

“Our business needs to grab the low-hanging fruit.”
“Take that idea off-line and put it in the parking lot.”
"Let's have a meeting to blue-sky that idea."
“We need more bandwidth to support the hockey stick on the home page.”
“Schedule a meeting next week for a masterminding session on monetizing our site.”
"How can we get to yes?"

Um, are you developing a new language? You should know that the only cool language to invent is pirate speak, matey.*

If you insist on talking nonsense in a bid to sound like you know what you’re doing, I’m going to have to take out my Franklin Planner and beat you, restructuring content without boundaries from the top down. Oh, you want to brand yourself, you say? Pull down your flat-front trousers so I can go old-media on your ass and brand you with a red-hot poker.

I’m just trying to be proactive.

What phrases make you want to beat your co-workers with their Blackberries?

* For a cool take on your Facebook page, go to the bottom left-hand corner of your page, click on “English (US)” and then you can switch things over by selecting “English (Pirate).” See what happens. Aaarggghh.

(photo: management-skills-development.com)