And the winner is…Sevara!

With an embarrassment of riches, the likes of which have not been seen since Gywneth Paltrow’s guest spot on Glee, your entries made it almost impossible to pick a winner in the TIWTPITF festival of frights. From limp lawn inflatables and parking lot asswipes to forced office gift-giving, the holidays do indeed offer up a host of new things that deserve to be punched until they beg for fruitcake. Oh, I’ve got a gift for all these things and it’s called my left fist. And I have a gift for Sevara, who gets a copy of Beyond the Family Tree for her short list of TIWTPITF. Her first point made me laugh out loud, no small feat during December. Sevara, shoot me an e-mail here with your address and I’ll send out your copy in short order, hopefully in time to use it during your family gathering.

Thanks again everyone; your snark keeps me warm on cold nights.

Sevara said…

1. Yearly family card. Yes, I really wanted to know that your Johnny is making $100,000 a month, and that daughter Jenny just gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. First of, fuck off. Don't tell me about your perfect family, because we all know that Johnny is an asshole, your family is in debt because you guys are keeping up with the Joneses, and your beautiful, smart, "cough" slut "cough" Jenny got knocked up by some idiot, who was obligated to marry her. Thanks for that fake pose you sent me and Merry Christmas to the Assholes.
2. Musux. It's the most annoying time of the year! I hate Rudolf, Santa, chestnuts, and all of the other X-mas music. And they start it in-mid October!
3. Gifts. Okay, I love giving gifts to people I love and enjoy spending time with, like, my family and friends. But other "friends" that believe they are the best people out there, and we are all are "so close". NOT! That is why I never return your calls, emails, texts—because I don't want to talk to you. And I don't want to get you a gift, either. I don't want to spend my money on you. I'd rather burn ten bucks in my fireplace than buy you shit from the dollar store.

Honorable mentions

Marissa said...
SECRET SANTA at work. I'm forced to spend forty hours of my life with people that, quite frankly, are not my cup of tea. The only reason I grace them with my presence is because some faceless dude is PAYING me to do so. That being said, why the hell would I go out of my way to do something special for the woman who is the very bane of my existence? Or the guy who not so quietly brags about his sexual conquests after a night of binge drinking? HUH? Why would I spend the money I'm being paid to share air space with these goons on gifts for them when I have a perfectly good box of used cat litter ready and available? Secret Santas in the workplace need a firm blow to the face with a yule log.

Shieldmaiden96 said...
Christmas letters (in cute fonts, on theme-appropriate laser printer paper) tucked in cards. We have one friend who writes a seven-paragraph Christmas letter every year. It's mostly to make sure we all know how fabulous, unusually advanced, and super-duper creative each and every one of his kids has become, and just how fan-diddly-tastic life is in their household. I hate his kids and I've never even met them.

KeriCan said...

Obligatory Christmas cards. Seriously, if you think your relationship with my family is close enough to warrant buying a card, locating our address after the umpteenth move, forking over for stamps, and hauling your ass to the post office, the least you could do is write a little message in the card. Just signing your name, or much worse, stamping your name, only makes me want to smack you the next time I see you. I don't give a crap about the cute illustration you picked out for this year; I'd rather get a little note, even typed if you must, about your life. Better yet, give up that glittery mess of a card and just call so we can have a meaningful conversation.

(photo: reserve123.com)

Darla's punch list

This list comes to us from Darla, who writes Scrappin Blog!

1. People who cheat on their spouses.
2. People who attempt to seduce a married person.
3. People who have no respect for the sanctity of marriage.
4. Swingers.
5. People who lie.
6. People who think that anything and everything is forgivable.
7. People and businesses who waste your time.
8. Businesses that overcharge you.
9. People and employers who cheat you out of money you're owed.
10. People who have loud car stereos and don't have the courtesy to turn it down when you're stuck next to them at a red light.

(photo: http://scrappinalrad.blogspot.com)

Heather's punch list

1. People who say "disorientated" or "vunerable."
2. People who cut off or tailgate people driving with trailers. Do you not realize that I am twice your size and will crush you because I can't stop that fast? And don't get me started about banging up my horses in the trailer because I have to make like the Starship Enterprise and perform evasive maneuvers to avoid your stupid ass! Hurt my horses and you'll wish all I did was punch you in the face! And no, just because I have this big-ass trailer, I will not help you move!
3. People who always have to 'one-up' you in conversation.
4. Bright yellow vehicles of any kind—especially trucks or Hummers. Do you really need to be that ostentatious? Or do you just lose your car in the parking lot all the time and thought it might help?
5. People who leave drawers and cupboard doors just barely open. Does it really take that much more effort to close it the rest of the way?
6. People who tailgate and tag on to the car in front of them as the light is turning red so they don't have to sit through another light cycle. This is especially bad with unprotected left turn lanes. Seriously?! You weren't even anywhere CLOSE to being in the intersection already! There's no way you fooled anyone here. Where's the cop when you need him?
7. Parents who don't discipline their kids or follow through with any discipline they do hand out. This is especially bad in any retail setting. "I'm gonna count to three. I mean it. I'm really going to count this time! Do you want me to start counting? Is that what you want?" Oh, please count! For God's sake, PLEASE COUNT! I'm dying to see what happens when you count!
8. Reality TV. Enough said.
9. People who leave long-ass boring messages on your voicemail. Do you really think I have the time to listen to four minutes of you repeating or explaining or just talking to yourself? You're lucky if I didn't delete it after 10 seconds.
10. People who insist on doing things the hard way. I am efficient at a lot of things. If I offer an idea on how to do something easier and faster, its probably going to be a good one. Just try it out instead of wasting everyone's time doing something we could have already had done three hours ago!

And one more:

People who move every piece of crap they own and THEN do a Goodwill donation! SERIOUSLY? Go through your crap BEFORE you make all your friends and family help you move it, and THEN move! I will gladly take everything you don't want to the trash or donation if it means we don't have to pack it up and move it all the way across three counties to your new place and then take it to toss or give away! (Am I the only one I know who ever thinks of this)

(photo: www.groovythemes.com)

Straggler: Patty's punch list

1. "Friends" who constantly brag about what they have. Debby…I don't care about your stupid vacations, your multiple trips to the Coach store, or your in-ground swimming pool. We live in Northern Illinois…it only gets hot enough to swim maybe one week out of the year!
2. Parents who ask me everyday how their kid is doing in class. Really, I have had your daughter in my class for two years and she still can't tell me how many is five! You still think everything is ok?
3. The school board that thinks it is important to pay the janitor $1,000 every month to wax the floor, but they can't find the money to give teachers a cost-of-living increase.
4. Teacher Appreciation Week! The below-par teacher in the classroom next to yours is bragging about the $100 mall gift card she received from her students while you end up with a stupid apple-themed mug that still has the price sticker on it. Yep…it's from Dollar Tree.
5. Stupid administrators who have no concept of how a school should be running. Get the hell out of the office once in a while and you won't be so shocked about how low the morale is amongst the staff!
6. Busybody receptionist who just can't wait to run and tell everything to the administrator and then pretend to be your friend. Screw you…we all know you are the "spy".
7. Women who get pregnant and think it's ok if they don't have health insurance because the state will pay for everything. Yeah, well I would have loved to have had another child, but being middle class, we don't qualify for free health insurance.
8. People that think you are pissed off just because you don't want to talk to them at 8:00 in the morning. I have been up since 6:00 am. I have just spent an hour trapped in my car with a sullen teenager driving through a blizzard. No, I don't want to talk to you about what we are going to do all day.
9. People who think that teachers only work nine months of the year and get paid for doing nothing over the summer. No asshole, the money that I get during the summer is money that I already earned.
10. Stupid assistants. I don't have time to teach you…I am too busy with teaching 24 children!

(photo: norfolkblogger.blogspot.com)

Straggler: Camille's punch list

Add this to Camille's punch list of last year. Girl is angry and I love it.

1. My gunt [TIWTPITF note: I assume Camille means "gut," but I like "gunt" so much more]
2. Dieting
3. Seattle winters
4. People who won't remove their shoes when they come in my home
5. Driver's who speed up when you try to change into their lane
6. Stupid drivers who do things like: drive under the speed limit, stop in the middle of the road, take a right from the far lefthand lane
7. My son's whining
8. Parents who don't chip in to help with a gift for the overworked and underpaid teacher
9. People without kids who judge moms (just you wait, yeah, just you wait)
10. My cupcake getting stuck in the stupid to-go package Wink Cupcakes has decided to use
11. #5-spicy when I specifically said #2 on the spicy. Damn, that's too hot!

(photo: amindinperil.files.wordpress.com)

Nata's punch list

1. Pointy corners on overhanging kitchen cupboards. Accidentally knock your head into one and you will know why.
2. People who say ‘arx.’ Ask is the word, and it isn’t a hard word either. You are doing it on purpose and I want to pelt you with pocket dictionaries. “Can I arx you something?” NO. Fuck off.
3. Smirkers. If you smirk at me, you are likely to end up with it coming out the back of your head.
4. Discovering I don’t have enough of one ingredient halfway through cooking.
5. People who ask inappropriate questions during chit-chat. I’m married, so apparently it is your right to ask “So are you guys planning to have kids soon?” What am I supposed to say to that? “Yeah, we’re planning to start trying soon, but right now we’re just practicing a lot” or maybe “Yes, and we’ve decided to announce it first to you, the person that I see once a year at someone else’s party, rather than to our parents or anyone that it might actually affect.” That is between my husband and me, and surprisingly, we aren’t interested in obtaining a cheer squad to stand by the bed when we get to that point. My plans to procreate should not be on your list of things to discuss at a party. And when I do get pregnant, you won’t be one of the people that I tell, just because you are such a nosey fuckwit.
6. Anyone with a catchphrase. It was funny the first two, maybe three times, you said it, but after the eighty-seventh time I’m ready to tie you to a rocket and aim you at the nearest asteroid for the sake of humanity.
7. Having to create meals for people with multiple food allergies. “Oh, I can’t have dairy, or gluten, or legumes, or beef, or anything with nutmeg or cinnamon or soy or cocoa or egg…” Right, steamed Styrofoam it is then. Enjoy.
8. People who chew on pens or pencils that are not theirs. And then you get them back, and it’s still wet...ick.
9. Shopping carts in empty car spaces. Especially when you don’t see them until you are halfway into the park, and then you have to back out awkwardly and find another spot. What kind of fat, lazy moron can’t walk ten extra paces to go put them away in the returns thingy? I’ve seen limping old ladies and women with four children under the age of four manage it, so why the hell can’t you?
10. Birds that shit on my laundry when it is hanging out to dry.

(photo: jmorse-pe.homestead.com)

Amanda's punch list

Amanda writes the blog Something in the Water.

1. Breastfeeding. Look, I know it's the healthiest for my kid and all, but I hate it. My boobs turn themselves on and off like faucets. I have a general damp feeling across my chest at all times. It's socially awkward. I smell funny because of it. And my kid does this thing where she will arch her back and pop herself off my boob without breaking suction…and then latch right back on. Over. And over. And over. It's like getting multiple purple nurples in a row. Sometimes my nurples DO turn purple and that's just wrong.
2. Breastfeeding advocates who make you feel guilty about giving your kid formula. Isn't what I feed my child my business? It's not like I'm giving her poison…it's baby formula. And sometimes I just can't handle being chewed on anymore, okay?
3. People who are rude or dismissive to waitstaff at restaurants, hotels, stores, etc. I know you think you're better, but you've just proven you have no class. Fuck off.
4. People who think smoking weed is "like the coolest thing ever, man," and go around talking about their chronic and have pot leaf clothing or hats or tattoos. If you want to smoke weed, just smoke the damn stuff…it doesn't have to be such a big deal. Stop acting like an idiot about it.
5. Fanatics of any kind.
6. People who look at me strangely because I have tattoos and a baby. The two are not mutually exclusive, people. Weirdos breed, too.
7. Black bath towels. They leave weird fuzz all over everything.
8. People who give me a hard time about smoking cigarettes. I already know it's not healthy. If you tell me one more freaking time how many minutes each cigarette takes off of my life, I'll do the math on that Big Mac you're shoving into your face.
9. Medical professionals who WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU. I know you have gone to school for a zillion years and all that, but if I tell you something is wrong, then SOMETHING IS WRONG. I don't care what your little gadgets tell you.
10. People who leave more space than necessary between cars when parking on the street, turning what could be a five-car stretch of parking spaces into a three-car stretch. If you need a five-foot gap between your car and the car in front of you in order to get out later, you have absolutely no business driving a vehicle at all.

An e-mail followed shortly after the top 10 list arrived. It read, “I forgot to add Will Ferrell. I hate that guy.”

(photo: impactlab.com)

The drunken gnome's punch list

1. People who don't have their priorities in order. For example, the mom who talks on her cell phone when shopping, while her child keeps telling her that they need to use the bathroom, and who tells them to wait because mommy needs to buy some earrings to wear to the bar tonight.
2. People who can't handle real life. Don't complain to me about how hard your life is when you planned on having kids, a mortgage, a car payment, cable, a fancy new phone, and can't pay the bills or feed your family. Get a job or stop drinking at the bar every night. Shut the fuck up. We all have bills.
3. People who party all night and then can't handle their responsibilities the next day. If you have a job to do, do it. That goes for professionals and stay-at-home moms/dads alike. (I guess the last three could all be one entry.)
4. People who ask you a question but then interrupt you before you have a chance to finish answering. If you didn't care that much about the answer, don't waste my time and patience by asking me a question that was probably stupid to begin with.
5. People who ask you a question and then argue with your answer. If you knew the answer, then don't ask. If you don't like the answer, knuckle sandwich.
6. People who can't seem to do basic math. Don't ask me what 50% off $2.50 is if you don't want me to look at you like that. Or, don't look surprised when your total is way above what you wanted to spend. There's price stickers on everything; do the math!
7. People who don't seem to know that there's tax on almost everything. Don't look surprised when the total isn't exactly the same as the sticker price.
8. People who don't punctuate in texts, e-mails, and Facebook statuses. It doesn't take that much longer to add a period at the end of a sentence. If you can't figure it out on your phone, you are lazy or stupid. I'm probably going to skip right past what you wrote because I can't read what it anyway. If you want me to care about what you have to say, try harder.
9. People who ask completely asinine questions and can't understand why I'm just staring at them instead of answering. My favorite one from the store I work in: "Is that real water in the fountain?"
10. People who carry the reusable shopping totes but still want a plastic bag that they then stick in said shopping tote.

Can you tell I work in retail?

(photo: obnosis.com)

Kate's punch list

This from Kate, who writes the blog "I Am the Worst Blogger."

1. Skinny bitches at the gym who hog machines, do reps on the lightest weight and take 5-minute breaks between sets. Get off the damn machine; you're not even sweating!
2. People who ask me "Did you make that?" when I show them any crafts I've made. No, I'm showing it off because I stole it from a little old lady, duh. That's why I put a picture of it in my "My Crafts" folder on Facebook.
3. People who always post that "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" quote. It makes you sound entitled, high-maintenance, and spoiled.
4. Creationists.
5. Conspiracy theorists. Seriously, Occam's Razor. The simplest solution is most often the right one.
6. People who believe that all opinions are equally valid and always right. You can have a wrong opinion. If my opinion was that the sky was neon green, it's not automatically right because it's my opinion!
7. PETA.
8. People who, upon hearing that I have a degree in Political Science, decide to tell me all their opinions on current political events. I doubly want to punch them when it's obvious they don't actually even know the basics of how government works.
9. Extensive and expensive weight-loss programs or fad diets. If they worked, there wouldn't be so many of them. Just put the candy down and go to the gym.
10. Incurious people. How do you go through life without wanting to learn new things?

Michaela's punch list

1. Washington State Lottery commercials. A) This commercial is about a guy who wins the lottery and his big dream is to spend his time and money building an elaborate robot that can throw a Frisbee to his dog OR B) Another ad from the same campaign where some lottery winner funds an enormous project that allows non-flying birds the experience of flight and shows footage of penguins, chickens, ostriches, and other earth-bound birds soaring through the air via specialty gliders.
2. The lyrics to that annoyingly catchy hit-song "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie.
3. Automated company phone systems that tell you, "Your call is important to us" and then subject the customer/client/caller to muzak, infomercials for other company products and dozens of push-button options, none of them even vaguely related to the reason that you have called.
4. The disgusting skin that forms on the surface of boiled milk.
5. How the flavor of green peppers permeates the taste of everything that they are cooked with.
6. All of the actions that have resulted in the depletion of the ozone layer and the creation of tanning beds.
7. Unsportsman-like conduct (I am looking in the mirror on this one). I usually find this kind of behavior deplorable when witnessed and like to think of myself as a stranger to any unkind thoughts, revenge fantasies or childish actions like taking the ball home. However,I can't seem to remember any of this when I am losing.
8. Jimmy Choo shoes—they sure are pretty but they hate my feet and I hate them right back.
9. The sentiment (usually found at the bottom of those loathsome chain emails) "If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can read this in English, thank a soldier."
10. How after waiting for my nails to dry after every manicure that I have ever had, I end up fucking at least one of them up within ten minutes.

Amy's punch list, part deux

Vice so nice Amy wrote it twice!

[Re: #7, TIWTPITF has to admit to the guilty pleasure of The Real Housewives and loving Bethenny in particular.]

1. Hair dryer lint. Where does it come from? Am I supposed to remove it? How?
2. Suri Cruise. Ok. if you're old enough to wear high heels, why does your mother carry you around? You are FOUR years old!
3. The customer service rep "Joe" from India who responded "in a very sturdy box" to my husband's question, "how will it be shipped?" (Is that a UPS competitor?...) I'm just pulling on your foot.
4. Email acronyms except LMAO, WTF, and of course, TIWTPITF. The rest are unnecessary and I don't understand them anyway. I need a translator to decipher my son's text messages.
5. The bottom of the peanut butter jar. I have to recycle it and in order to do so, I have to clean out the slimy mess. Disgusting!
6. The air in chips packages. More chips, please.
7. Bethenny on Real Housewives of New York City. Do I really need to see you sitting on the toilet taking your pregnancy test or see you naked for the PETA photo shoot? Are you pleasant to anyone or do you need to start a fight with everyone?
8. The iPad. Forget the horrible name, I don't want my best buddy Kindle to become obsolete.
9. All the 80s clothing I gave away that are in style now (not that I would have fit into them anyway).
10. "Natural" make-up with chemicals.

(photo: socialitelife.celebuzz.com)

Stephen's punch list

1. Ayn Rand fans who self-identify with John Galt. Go ahead, dude, strike. I’m sure the rest of us will be brought to our knees if you are not in your cubicle doing the earth-moving work you do each day.
2. Ticks. God, but I hate you bastards. I don’t fear you, nor am I creeped out by you. I just hate you. If you don’t want to die a miserable death by water or fire, stay the hell off my dog.
3. Harley Davidson riders. Could anything be more boring than a gray-haired, fat, white guy on a Harley? I would love to ignore the parade of identically leather clad “rebels” passing through my picturesque small town each summer, but since they insist on removing the mufflers from their bikes, I can’t. I often wish for a massive twister to strike Sturgis in August.
4. Radio station Hummers. Dear Radio Station Owner, I wish I could tell you how much the sight of your lime green and orange Hummer in the parking lot of the Kwick Trip handing out free cans of Rockstar guarantees that I will never tune my radio to Classic Rock 92.9.
5. Camouflage clothing when not hunting or waging war. This clothing works really well for concealment from white-tailed deer or the Vietcong, but wearing it out to dinner just makes you look like a drooling jackass. I understand that you paid good money for that Mossy Oak jacket, but leave it at home when venturing out of the forest or combat zone. I won’t wear my tuxedo to your tree stand; don’t wear your camo pants to my wedding.
6. Peeing Calvin stickers. It may say something about where I live that these stickers are still commonly seen, usually with Calvin peeing on the words “Gun Control” or “Atheists.” I would buy a sticker of Calvin peeing on a car with a peeing Calvin sticker.
7. That space between the sink and the backsplash. Why is there a disgusting trough here? Do others enjoy the science experiment-type collection of food, soap scum, and other gnarl that inevitably collects in this space? I’m assuming the answer to that question is no, and yet this space is found in nearly every house in America. What gives?
8. California. It’s over between us. I used to think you were really cool, but lately I just want to get as far away from you as I can. I can’t turn on the radio without hearing about your weather or your governor or your economic meltdown or your stupid brush fires. Frankly, you’re getting a little creepy. If I could take out a restraining order on a state, I would.
9. Sharing food at Asian restaurants. I like Asian food. I wish I had a great big plate of it in front of me right now. Specifically, I would like a plate of shrimp in black bean sauce. And I would like to eat all of it, without having to share with my tablemates. How did this trend get started and why is it obsequious? Is it because some Asian countries are communist? Japan isn’t communist, so why are you digging your mitts in my rainbow roll? How about you order what you want, and I’ll order what I want.
10. The cat that sits on my back porch and just stares. Please go away.

(photo: northbynorthwestern.com/)

Amy's punch list

1. Size small and medium clothing on the top shelf...large on the bottom. Hello? I'm 5 feet and can't reach the clothes that are my size!
2. Having to find a salesperson at large retail clothing stores when I want to buy something. Does anyone want to make their sales quota?
3. “On Sale” signs on racks with clothes that aren't on sale next to the ones that are.
4. People who drive through double white lines on the road who are supposed to stop for people crossing the street.
5. Adult-like talking babies on stock trading commercials. They are just creepy.
6. Cashiers at grocery stores that tell you they are closed after waiting in line for 1/2 hour.
7. Subscription cards that come fluttering out of my magazine that I have subscribed to already.
8. People who don't return phone calls.
9. Zoning laws that allow tree cutting before 8 am.

I don't know if any of these have been mentioned. I've read all of your blog entries but don't remember all the lists of things that annoy me too. [FYI, TIWTPITF covered #7 in its first month. Blow-in cards suck dead bear.]

Leigh Anne’s punch list

[Leigh Anne is the driving force behind Midlife Mediocrity.]

1. Sex Rehab: Seriously. How can you be addicted to sex? Everyone likes sex. It should be one of the four food groups. It’s part of a healthy diet! But if you can’t stop having sex…and you don’t care who you’re having it with…you’re not an addict. You’re a whore.
2. Skinny people who talk about how much they eat: Good for you, asshole. I know you’re skinny. I know you eat a lot. Now shut the hell up before I bitch slap you. My pimp hand is strong and you’ll never see it coming.
3. Morning radio: While I’m in a Shut the Hell Up mood, WTF is up with morning radio? I listen to the radio to hear *music*. You know, songs with lyrics and a catchy beat. When I’m driving to work, I really don’t want to hear some douche-nozzle making sophomoric prank calls and talking about his hammertoe over Usher belting “Yeah”. Is D.J. an abbreviation for Douchy Jackass? Just. Stop. Talking. If you were even remotely talented you’d be on TV. Or maybe you’re just ugly.
4. Daytime television: I’d rather go to work with a migraine, hemorrhoids, *and* the Swine Flu than stay home and watch this mindless, soul-killing schlock. After 75 years of television you still can’t find anything better than Nash Bridges and Cheaters to broadcast on weekdays? You made a huge step in the right direction when you stopped broadcasting CHiPs. Time to target Three’s Company. I’ll even let you keep Judge Judy if you’re willing to kick Divorce Court to the curb. You can do it, Daytime TV. Be the change!
5. “Healthy” actresses and singers incessantly flaunting their size: I love the new trend of shapely stars. J.Lo and Beyonce have got it goin’ on! You have curves and you look great. Now move along. I *really* don’t need you shaking your ass in my direction at every opportunity. Seeing the junk in your trunk is putting me in a funk. Kindly tuck in your ta-tas and cover up your lady bits. More than 50 percent of the population in America can see a naked lady anytime we want. We have our very own vaginas and we don’t need to see yours. If you want to appeal to the demographic who wants to see your naughty parts, I suggest you pick up an application at the Cheetah or Scores.
6. People Who Abuse Business Jargon: I’m being completely “above-board” when I tell you that the only thing I’d like to “drill down” into is your skull so I can “red flag” all the useless verbiage by “COB” today. It’s “mission critical” that we “ramp up” and “move things forward” to eliminate this jargon in an “impactful” way. I’m not “sandbagging” you. I’ll be the “pacesetter” and try to stay “on point” so we don’t suffer any “scope creep”. Just give me a minute to be “intentional” and make a “WAG” on the best way to “take the knock”. Seriously people. Do they teach this stuff in “B-School”? [FYI: TIWTPITF covered bizspeak last year.]
7. My Wedding: I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but my wedding and reception were four barely remembered hours of my life that I’m not even sure I enjoyed. Who were all those people? I was tired, cranky and by the end of the day I had been manhandled by so many near strangers that I might as well have been the starting center for the Steelers. Jeff and I have enjoyed many spectacular days together. This wasn’t one of them. I’m pretty sure the whole wedding industry is a nefarious plot to separate unsuspecting women (and their mothers) from their money. And it works. I would have preferred to elope, but my mom said everyone would think I was pregnant so we spent an ungodly amount of money to prove that I wasn’t with child at the time of my marriage. Genius.
8. Birthday cakes at work: Nothing says “I don’t care enough to put any thought into your birthday” like the office birthday cake. What are we, twelve years old? Are we gonna sing? I don’t know why this drives me apeshit. It just does. Can’t we all just go to lunch when someone has a birthday? What about leaving an hour early to have a drink? You know, like adults.
9. Horror Movies: I’m not sure when it happened, but sometime between the premiere of Psycho and the most recent installment of the Saw franchise, the horror movie plotline disappeared. I understand that 15-year-old boys don’t have much of an attention span, but is it to much to ask for a wee bit of coherent dialogue between disembowelments and eviscerations? How about a little back story? Is every horror film director contractually obligated to make the same lame-ass movie over and over while changing only the camera angle through which we see the heroine’s sweaty nipples and the point in the film at which the only black character is brutally exterminated? (Note to African American actors: Horror films are probably not the genre in which you’re going to find fame). Horror movies used to be squirmy, squishy fun that followed an actual narrative. Now? Not so much. I’d like to see Wes Craven make a horror film that features the bloody, shriek-inducing massacre of the three-act structure. Truly frightening!

(photo: jessicadunton.com)

Stephanie’s punch list

1. People who make plans and then cancel them at the last moment without a really good reason. "My kid is projectile vomiting and school sent him home," is a good reason. "I know you rearranged your whole schedule to meet with me, but it turns out that there's a Very Special Episode of Blossom and I don't want to miss it," is most definitely not.
2. People who talk about everything they're eating/working out on Facebook. It's GREAT that you're getting your fat ass in shape (and I say this as a fatass trying to get in shape), but I seriously don't care that, "Yoga class was, like, soooo soul cleansing today."
3. I know everyone has already said it, but slow drivers in the fast lane deserve to be punched. But also, if I am driving cautiously IN THE RIGHT LANE because it's raining or something, get off my ass.
4. People who don't share the arm rest at concerts and on planes.
5. People who are practically strangers who ask me why I am in my mid-30s and don't have kids. First of all, none of your business. Second of all, I'm infertile, and thanks for bringing THAT up again. Third, I don't like kids enough to mortgage my house to have fertility treatments. And fourth, shut up before I punch you.
6. Grammar crimes. All of them.
7. People who ask for directions at the toll booth and chat for five minutes while the people behind them have to sit there and wait to pay the damn toll. Get a GPS. Or a map.
8. People who are marinated in perfume. Also, nasty perfume used to cover up nasty smells, such as Eau du Rose et Cigarette. Spraying country apple cinnamon air freshener to cover a stinky poop does NOT help, either.
9. People who try to preach their religion to me, especially if it involves knocking on my door at 8:00 AM.
10. Spam and telemarketers on my cell phone.

(photo: davidiseman.files.wordpress.com)

Katie's punch list, part deux

I don't really expect you to put up either of mine, but now that I started thinking about it, there are a lot more things...

1. People who talk on their cell phones in the bathroom. either while using the toilet, or worse, just standing in there while I am peeing. Don't think I won't flush. Twice. And maybe let out some good grunts, too.
2. Fat people on the elevator with a fast food bag in their hand (usually going 1 story up) who think it's okay to tell me I am too skinny/need to eat/wish they could look like me. I eat well and run 30–40 miles a week.
3. Yes I am skinny; I like to be healthy. If you tell me I am too skinny (which I am not—my BMI is right on target for my age), can I tell you that you are too fat and if you didn't eat crap and took the stairs you'd be less fat?
4. People who think they are funny because you laughed at their joke, and then proceed to tell you it again, expecting the same reaction. (Okay, even I have done that :P)
5. Women who think I am the babysitter when I am out with my kids (see #2).
6. Women who tell me they want to be healthier and ask for my advice and then don't follow it.
7. Maybe just all women.
8. Rednecks who yell at me or tailgate me or generally are rude to me because I still have an Obama '08 sticker on my car. Listen here, Jackass, I had to look at your W sticker for 8 years, get over it.
9. The parents of some kids at my daughter’s school who feed them grownup portions of fast-food breakfast EVERY DAY. Well, except for Fridays, when they bring them in with a dozen donut holes. And chocolate milk. For a 3 year old! Get up earlier and make something healthy for them. And you wonder why they bounce off the walls.
10. Cocktail parties where I only know the host and everyone else knows each other. Yes, I am the token liberal. Yes, I will argue with you. No, I will not suddenly see your point and switch sides.
11. The religious right who fails to notice that Jesus was all for socialism, in its very basic sense, and who don't agree with taking care of the less fortunate. Those people make me want to punch myself just to get out of the conversation.

(photo: changeanddecayinallaroundisee.com)