Hurricane names

Chris, Debby, Florence, Patty, Nadine…

I don't know about you but hurricane names sound more like what you'd find on nametags at a PTA potluck, rather than a vicious tropical cyclone. They don't exactly put the fear of 80-mile winds in you, do they?

Hurricane Sandy isn't a cause for a state of emergency, it's cause for a makeover, preferably by Rizzo. If Hurricane Rizzo hit the East Coast, you'd better believe that I'd run for fucking cover.

The World Meteorological Organization and National Hurricane Center need to get some new baby books, preferably ones with badass names like Spike, Rocco, JR, T-Bone. Better get, I propose that we substitute roller-derby names for these milquetoast monikers. Helen Wheels, Dora the Destroyer, Naomi Cannibal—shutters would be nailed down and the coastline would be evacuated in record time.

(photo: geology.com)

Snowbrellas

As a Midwest gal now living in Seattle, I’ve learned a few things. Like, for example, that umbrellas are for rain, not sunny days and certainly not blizzards. If you live in a place that gets blanketed with snow, you should be prepared to have a few bad hair days. There’s this newfangled invention called a hat. Have you heard of it? Use one, embrace your limp locks, and take consolation in the fact that everyone else’s head looks like flat ass, too.

Just don’t pop up your parasol and take a stroll in your winter wonderland. I might have to grab your umbrella and beat you around the head, which I guarantee will give you flat hair.

(photo: cheekyumbrella.com)

Weather complaints

There’s no hurricane, tsunami, or tornado on the horizon. It’s just hot or cold or rainy or fill in the blank. And I’m sick of it. Not the temperature, mind you, but the scads of people who continue to bitch about it.

I live in Seattle and it always surprises me when people repeatedly lament the rain. Um, we live in Seattle! And for those of you who spend your summer in Arizona, Texas or the deep south, were you expecting something other than getting fried like chicken?

Do you have a weather machine like Sean Connery in that beyond-thunderlame adaptation of The Avengers? No? Then stick a cork in it and suck it up. Harping about it is pointless. If you really want to change things, why not move away from my earshot to San Diego? Better yet, leave the planet. You don’t need an air conditioner in space.

(photo: weblogs.sun-sentinel.com)