Thursday, June 14, 2012

Preschool graduation

Ahem, what is a four year old graduating from, exactly? Pull-ups? These days, every kid gets a trophy, a sticker, a certificate just for showing up to school, to soccer, even to the breakfast table. And they spend a good fortnight in class making mortar boards and crowns, baking Cake Pops, and scribbling out a sloppy diploma for a ceremony that causes overworked parents to rework their already jammed Outlook calendar.

There's no real sense of achievement being cultivated when a diploma is handed to a pre-schooler for finger painting, playing well with others, and going number-two successfully. Where's the competitive spirit? I trounced the rest of my first-grade Lybrook Elementary class to win a spelling contest because cold hard cash was involved. I—no one else—scored a crisp dollar bill. That made me want to succeed, not a collective gold star for attendance.

Sorry to matricuhate, but too much fanfare over little piddly shit results in little shits growing up to be big shits with entitlement issues. Today's little graduate is tomorrow's massive unemployed bunghole.


Repo said...

This is news to me. And not good news at all. I haven't heard of this over here in the UK.
And props for using the word 'bunghole' which I haven't heard in common usage since the mid-90's. I now intend to use it in conversation at least once a day.

Jennifer Worick said...

Bunghole is woefully underused.

Anonymous said...

Matricuhate. Bunghole.

This post is a wealth of awesome word-sauce.

Heather said...

Seriously. I had to break it to my first grader that he wasn't going to have a graduation after EVERY SINGLE GRADE. Talk to me when you get a job...then we'll celebrate something.

Kerry said...

I'm all for an end-of-year party, art show, or other celebration that takes place during school hours. That's all that's warranted, people. I cannot get behind preschool "graduation," especially since it often involves parents leaving work, making potluck dishes, and/or buying gifts...simply because their child is now old enough to enter elementary school. I don't get it!

Parabolic Muse said...

ohmyjesusgod, you MUST write a book on this. This is SO right-on. I don't have time. Or, talent. You must do it.

I am SO sick of the ridiculous Cult of Awards that I purposely LAUGH at kids who show me their awards. Yes. Take their asses down a couple notches for godsake. And I trip the parents whenever I can. WHAT the F do they think they're doing?!/ Something GOOD? Something that bolsters confidence?!! Believe me, the little effers don't need confidence yet. They are All About Themselves already.

And gawd, am I sick of this need to enlist your kid in every fucking thing. I don't know one kid who spends more than a half hour in solitary thought. LEAVE THE FUCKING KIDS ALONE FOR A WHILE, YOU SADISTS!

my cortisone levels are too high.

Anonymous said...

Preach on sister, preach on. My boy just went to his first year of pre-school and I refused to let him go or help prepare for the graduation. The teacher looked at me as if I were the proverbial Grinch and she said to me "This is a moment he'll want to remember." I just had to shake my head and laugh: I said, when he graduates from college, gets a job and moves out, that's something I'll celebrate, lol :-)