Monday, October 4, 2010

Convertible pants

These days, versatility is key. I know this. I am on board, at least in theory. But you know what? When I buy something that does double or triple duty, like, say, a lipstick that doubles as a blush or a coffee table book that turns into a coffee table, I always end up using it in just one way. Take fug convertible pants, for instance.

Weekend warriors who spring for a pair of pants that convert to shorts by unzipping the legs always end up wearing the half-assed pants around town. This is gear, not clothing. If you’re living out of a backpack, throw those fuckers on. If you’re going to the farmer’s market or out to dinner, put something on that’s not in the middle of an identity crisis.

Neither stylish nor complementary, convertible pants are an example of least-common-denominator design. They are designed to be functional for everyone but universally unflattering. When wearing the pants, the zipper seams cut you off at the knees—if you’re lucky; more likely, they encircle your thigh—surely the feature we all long to showcase—at the widest point. If you do actually step out in the shorts, you’re likely to be asked to give a wildlife tour around the neighborhood, since you’ll be masquerading as a park ranger.

Stow these REI-sores in your 70 pack and instead pull out a pant or short that suits you. Just keep away from the Utilikilt.

(photo: outdoor-equip.com)

8 comments:

Dee Soden said...

thank you for disliking 'convertible' trou as much as me.

Chad said...

They are good for traveling, and I will wear them then without question.

But I wouldn't wear them on a date to impress a woman.

Zazzu said...

Wouldn't the zipper going around that part of the thigh be mighty uncomfortable?

I can just imagine how ridiculous one would look taking off the pants legs in public. People would totally point and laugh. Well, I would. :)

Darcey Howard said...

Living in the "Fashion Capitol" of America - NYC - I am particularly fond of seeing tourists that come to this cosmopolitian, metropolis of style dressed like they are going on safari. It's true, NYC is a bit of jungle at times and bushwacking your way through Times Square can feel like jumping into the mangroves of Kenya. But if you are not on safari don't dress like. Would you wear Manolo's to hunt wild game? NO! Now, don't get me started on the fleece vest over a dress shirt and slacks....

Rhonda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rhonda said...

Imagine being a 1st grade teacher (me!) and having students whose parents think these convertible pants are cute. They get hot at recess...off go the pants! Well, actually, they just let them bunch around their ankles like some loose-fitting, light-weight form of leg warmers.

Guess what happens when recess is over? You got it, they're expecting me to reach through and behind their still-a-bit-sticky-and-sweaty legs to zip them back on.

Is this why I have student loans??

Marylyn said...

HAAA!! LOL Soooo Seattle! I do some backpacking out in the Olympics, so have looked at these pants several times at REI. I am still not sure... But yes, totally agree that they belong on the trail, no where else! HA

ThoughtShot said...

This is one of my faves. Thank you for reminding me what a dork I was in the mid-90's, sporting my convertible pants around Chicago as a style statement. These only belong in what my San Fran friends call your "GO bag"--That emergency bag of essentials they leave in their trunk in the case of a life-changing earthquake that shuts down the city and leaves you stranded on some bridge. It really is hard to know before that day/night comes if you'll need shorts or pants.