Thursday, March 11, 2010

Victoria's Secret

Body by Victoria? Gimme a break. Body by mom, dad, and my trainer. The last time when I was in Vikki’s—someone gave me a gift certificate—every fucking bra was padded. Every. Single. One.

In the black and pink world of Victoria’s Secret, everyone wants bigger boobs. Call it crazy, but some of us don’t. In fact, some of us even have resorted to surgery to knock our knockers down a size or two. Get called Dolly Parton Jr. once in fifth grade and you won’t be wishing for a Body by Dupont anytime soon, Alessandra Ambrosia.

And what happens when the secret is revealed? A hand goes in for the grope as the player gets to second base, only to discover a thick molded barrier and a squishy chicken cutlet. Mmm, appetizing.

Giselle, I’d punch you in the boob but I know it wouldn’t hurt because of your lacy shield so I guess I’m just going to have swap out the cutlets for some rocks and whip you with a real over-the-shoulder boulder holder.

(photo: victoriassecret.com)

13 comments:

erin said...

A+ post.

Chris said...

Do they really think everyone wants extra padding? I mean, it must work for them because they keep making them, but sometimes I think no one's really wearing them. They just buy them and leave them in the drawer. If a woman wearing the bra really had tits like that, she'd need more than the Victoria's Secret string they call a bra to hold them in! They're unwearable, I say! And I come from a long line of bra-wearers!

Chickens in the Basement said...

I'm happy to have normal boobs and wear cheap bras!

Gypsie said...

i love you.

Jennifer Worick said...

I love you too, Gypsie.

coco g. said...

The bras are all padded because much like Joe Camel, VS is marketing to the kids. I worked in a mall..the majority of their clientele is high school age.

Andie Reid said...

A-Freaking-Men! I worked for 2 years to get the insurance coverage for my reduction surgery to help my poor aching back. Now that I'm a reasonable size, no WAY am I padding ANYTHING to make it look bigger.

Fanboy Wife said...

I always thought the secret was that they're fake, but I'm sure the padding helps too...

PrettyThings said...

First, I have to admit - I love my padded bras. HOWEVER, I did have a good yell at the tv when I saw this commercial. Could those big-boobed betches be any more smug? I really did want to punch every single "angel" in the face.

Yet Another Steve said...

Surely their new line for men, underwear with a built-in rolled-up sock, is even now in development.

DC-in-Detroit said...

Erm. Well. As a naturally-well-endowed lass, the foam-molded cups are a godsend, and/but not for the embiggening. That little bit of foam keeps 'em up out of my soup, and the bras don't hopelessly distend after 3 months.

That said. There isn't a single bra at that place that FITS me, so the whole place strikes me as ridiculous with the boob-worship -- bigger, bigger, bigger, but not actually... that big.

brand-eye said...

this post is excellent and i could not agree more. i am an itty bitty, but proud A cup and cannot find a damn unpadded bra!! i even resorted to going to the children's section at target to find a 'training' bra, only to be shocked that KIDS bras are even padded.

Life on the Edge said...

I say better a bra than a boob job.....