Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Rachel Zoe's chest

Every time I get a glimpse of stylist Rachel Zoe’s bony chest beneath a giant yeti pelt vest, I literally—or “litrally,” as she says—have to look away. I avert my eyes quickly, much like I do when that starving children commercial with Laurie Metcalf pops up during my late-night cable trolling. I have to look away like Perseus did when he took on Medusa. I too fear turning to stone, but not because of Zoe’s snake-like locks.

It’s her sternum. I’m afraid that it’s going to poke and kill a random passerby. I could play the xylophone on her breast bone and ribs. She doesn’t need to wear one of her giant-ass necklaces; she’s already sporting a bone collar. Like a cross-section of wood, you can add up the rings to determine her age. And by the number of rings jutting out of her chest, she should stop saying, “I die,” because, by my count, she should already be dead.

Zero isn’t a size, it’s a sickness. Desiccate & Emaciate is not a new design label; it's an apt description of your dried-up husk. Stop saying “bananas” and start eating them…literally.

(Photo: evilbeetgossip.film.com)

7 comments:

Nora said...

I bet if she injected some collagen or Restylane into that thing, blind people could read her back.

KimQuiltz said...

This would be hilarious if it wasn't so sad. Wait...it IS hilarious, it's Rachel Zoe that's so sad.

mduette said...

Sooo gross. I know I live in a cave but am I the only one who doesn't have a clue who that is? :P

Yet Another Steve said...

I'm not sure who she is, but the photo provides a clear lesson: walking xylophones shouldn't wear tank tops.

On the other hand, shopping must be very easy for her, because she knows that whatever it is, it'll look exactly the same on her as it does on the hanger.

Brass Monkey Designs said...

But Halloween is near...maybe that's just part of her master costume plan to be a skeleton!

CarlaCarlaCarlaCarla said...
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Antoinette said...

She could have just asked a surgeon who uses restylane (NJ) if she wanted some improvements. Anyone who wants to undergo procedures should be more careful, though.