Thursday, January 19, 2012

Gwyneth Paltrow’s un-selfconsciousness

Darling girl of the flatironed hair and the clothes-hanger frame, I’ve defended you. I’ve often quite liked you as a person and an actress. I, for one, wasn’t happy to see your head gifted to Morgan Freeman in Seven. I think you are talented, chic, in tune. You even look good in a jumpsuit.

However.

No longer are you the Apple of my eye, a sartorial Moses leading us to the promised land where we vacation with Valentino, cook with Batali, and rock out with BeyoncĂ©. What you are is delusional. You don’t have delusions of grandeur; rather, you—of the famous parents, even more famous godfather, and Spence pedigree—think you’re just like us plebs.

If only.

It started with goop, your unctuous, ooky website and e-newsletter that offers up your picks for a fabulous soup-to-nuts lifestyle. It continued with your self-congratulatory cookbook My Father’s Daughter. “We've got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden—a luxury, I know, but it's one of the best investments I've ever made.” Fuck you and your macrobiotic, organic, Michael Pollan-approved diet. Now, you’ve launched goop city, an app of twee drawings and footage of you Julie McCoying it—in stilettos, no less—all over Manhattan.

Groucho Marx reputedly said, “I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” Well, Gwynnie, you already assume you’re a card-carrying member of Average Joe middle America. And I think you and I both know that a woman who sleeps with a rock star in her bed and an Oscar on the mantle is not exactly a mere mortal. Go back to Mount Olympus and leave us be with our Cheez Whiz.

13 comments:

amyadrift said...

I CAN NOT BELIEVE she has the audacity to be charging $3.99 for that app!

Prudence said...

Couldn't agree more.

kerry said...

She annoys! Anyone who compares fake cheese with crack, even to be funny, is SERIOUSLY out of touch.

Joan Crawford said...

I loathe that delusional nutbar!

Yet Another Steve said...

Maybe after you eat the cheese, you can make a crack pipe out of the can, and Gwynnie is just whining about having to eat the cheese to get the can?

Farmergrover said...

Damn, if it wasn't for my secret love of fake cheese...

Michou said...

Cant stand her!!!!

SkitzoLeezra said...

Aaaaand - why does she hate my ability to hear? Can it with the screeching/singing already! She's ruined my guilty pleasure of watching "Glee".

Lisa Shayla said...

I'll hold her down and you have at it!

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Karrie said...

Jen, have you seen anyone talking about a boycott of celebrity bloggers? Some regular people bloggers are saying that celebs should leave the blogosphere to us normal peeps so we have a chance to make a name and not be overshadowed by celebs with their teams of assistants and tech help and professional photography studios and pre-exisisting fame. Whaddaya think of that?

Brown Girl Gumbo said...

I just happened upon your blog and to say that I am LOVING IT would be an understatement!! I LOATHE Gwynnie. She's completely obnoxious and her love affair with Beyonce and Jay-Z is beyond irksome.

Erika said...

I'm sick of her knocking avg. Joe Americans, as though she'd actually know anything about us. I'm over her.