Monday, November 21, 2011

20-minute coffee prep

I don't know what's going on back there but this isn’t the Manhattan Project. It's a flippin' cup of coffee. While your coffee contraption looks like it was made by Skynet, I'm pretty sure it's not going to enable time travel. And it sure as hell isn't going to help me get back the 20 minutes I've been waiting patiently by the sugar station. What it—and you—are doing, however, is terminating my patience.

You don’t need to take the scenic route to get to my drink destination. Really. Just jump on the espressoway and knock that shit out. Don't wax rhapsodic about your special blend that was picked by monkeys on the north face of a mountain in Columbia. Don't spam me with your disdain for my decaf order. And while I appreciate your java jive, I don't need or want you to craft a flower or devil or my silhouette in my cappuccino's microfroth.

And when you take that long, you're setting up unreasonable expectations. If I don’t have an orgasm on my first foamy sip, your fine art of grinding, steaming, and frothing is lost on me. And that's truly a shame.



SousLeCharme said...

WTF! Did they think they were preparing this for a five-year old who doesn't like coffee? My mother used to do shit like that with vegetables to get me to eat them. Didn't make them taste any better. Watch out. Next thing you'll know, they'll be doing 3-D "foam sculptures".

Grover said...

Seriously. I find myself screaming at my Keurig machine if it keeps me waiting longer than 60 seconds. Maybe there's a tiny barista inside of it?

jordanlaine said...

This is exactly how I feel about coffee places these days... I don't drink coffee because it looks pretty, I drink it because it enables me to get through Monday without causing my coworkers bodily harm...!