Nicole Kidman’s forehead

Did your frontal lobe suffer a paralyzing stroke? Has your forehead been replaced by an ostrich egg? What is the deal with your forehead?

If I ever learn to ski, I hope I can skip the bunny slope and do a trial run down your noggin. It’s Satine-smooth and there’s no fear of an avalanche. If there was a tremor or earthquake in the vicinity, your forehead would remain dead calm.

I fell asleep during Eyes Wide Shut but I think it was the story of your life, since your forehead is pulling the skin so tight that you can’t close your eyes. Keith probably married you for other reasons but it can’t hurt that he can check his razored haircut in the reflecting pool on your face.

Your fashion sense may be to die for, but I have to question your penchant for Botox. Back away from the botulism, grow some bangs, and put that thing away…unless, of course, it’s how you signal to your people in space. Then of course, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

(Photo: There is a blog called "Nicole Kidman's Forehead! This photo came from it. That fact that this blog exists just made my day.)

Flavor savers

Frankly, I’m stumped. What’s the thought process behind this crumb catcher? I wish I was a passenger on that train of thought…

It’ll make me look handsome, slimmer, younger, cooler, douchier…

Clearly, there has to be intent behind the soul thatch, since it's groomed and shaped to within a hair of its life. Are you trying to lengthen your face? Did you need an arrow to find your mouth? Did you slip with the razor and had to keep on pruning? Whatever the case, I have to break it to you: Dude, you’re sporting a bikini wax on your chin.

Be it the Frito or Dorito, you’ve got a landing strip on your face. Runways belong at O’Hare, not on your nearly-hairless mug. Only Bruce Springsteen can pull that shit off, and, while he was born to run, he’s still skating on thin ice. Adnan Ghalib, it’s time to embrace the Brazilian. It’ll only hurt for a minute. However, if you keep that thin dead line on your puss, you’re in for a world of pain as I wax, thread, sugar, and shave your face, all the while withholding the ibuprofin. Just call me a flavor shaver.

(photo: celebcrust.com/celebrity/britney-spears)