Curling iron burns

I’ve always wanted what I can’t have, and this certainly applies to my hair texture.

It started when I was 13. After an unfortunate attempt to rock a Dorothy Hamill wedge, I turned to the perm. In a word, oy. To amp up the foxy, I got a barrel curling iron to roll my bangs into a totally rad forehead awning…which I needed to cover up the burns I got every month or so from standing too close to the fire.

I eventually turned away from the 80s and curly hair and longed for stick-straight hair.

Enter the flat iron. Now, I smooth my locks and tamp down my cowlicks. In the process, I manage to regularly sear my skin, branding myself a dumbass. I currently have a mark on my neck that looks like Bill Compton has been snacking on my carotid artery. Call me crazy, but grown-ass women shouldn’t have vampire hickeys. Since I’m not going to embrace my natural beauty any time soon, Conair needs to invent an iron that doesn’t leave a mark of lame. In the meantime, I'm growing my hair out so I should be able to cover my cattle brand.

(photo: protechdesigns.net)

Paper cuts

Matt Damon did some damage with a magazine in one of those Bourne movies. No shit. Paper can kill, yo, or at least slice through your fingers. Seemingly innocuous, this sneaky pulp affliction is evil. Much like Ray Romano, come to think of it. It sneaks into your house and then lies in wait for a chance to strike. Unlike Ray Romano, you can’t kick paper out of the house by simply turning off the TV. It’s everywhere.

And it’s out to get us.

Call me crazy but I think the move to a paperless society is seriously pissing it off. The ream of paper on my shelf is giving me stinkeye and my new roll of wrapping paper is spoiling for a fight and looking for a reason to slice my index finger. I think a certain brown paper grocery bag might try to go for the jugular.

The best thing to do is make paper feel wanted, necessary in this crazy, mixed-up world. I know what you’re thinking—paper needs to grow a pair and suck it up. It’s not like paper is the only thing out of a job these days. You may be right. Nevertheless, let’s try to show a little compassion during this holiday season. A little ego stroking goes a long way. Just make sure to avoid the edges.

(Photo: flickr.com/photos/agriffith/355462419/)