Cyberstalking

It was hard enough to get over someone when my options were limited, way back when all I could do was drive or ride my bike by an ex’s apartment or parents’ house (stalking starts early in my family). These days, my obsession runs unchecked. Even if I find the strength to unfollow or unfriend Alexandre Dumbass, he often has a public profile, which presents a problem when I’m feeling vulnerable or having a bad day. One click is all it takes to find out that the dude is coping with the loss of me by pretending he’s doing great and that he’s moved on.

I know better.

In my daily drive-bys, I read between the lines. A status update that says, “Mass Effect + new flat screen = srsly awesome“ means “I can’t remember the last time I showered; I’m that depressed.” A tweet that proclaims, “This new IPA is blowin’ my mind!!!!” translates as “I’m drowning my heartbreak in beer and since I’m drinking alone, I’ll tell 1,000 of my closest tweeple.” Then there's the guy I met on an online dating site. I thought we had serious chemistry and loads in common. Then after yet another marathon date, he goes MIA…until I see that he's back in the match.com saddle and has been active within the last hour. He's "online now!" at 3 pm, 4 pm, 5 pm, 2 am… Around 7 am, I see he's changed his profile and added a few more pictures, one of which I took!

I wish I could stop the men madness but as long as there’s a wireless signal, I’m caught in the web. I don't want to punch my iPhone or laptop, so I'm just going to have to keep fixating on (i.e. adoring) my misguided (i.e. temporary) ex-boyfriends from 500 feet (my fingertips) and hope that they go offline, or at least change their settings to "private."

(photo: lisasteadman.com)

Winks

I’ve dipped my toe into the internet dating waters and whenever a guy “winks” at me, I go off the deep end. Are you too lazy to write to me? Too busy? Tongue-tied in the face of all of my splendor? Too fucking bad. Grow a pair and send me a real note.

It doesn’t need to be an 8,000-word missive (I’ve gotten one of those). It doesn’t need to lay open your soul, telling me how much I remind you of your ex-wife (yep, got that too). It just needs to say hi, be real, and, if you’ve got an extra 5 minutes, tell me something about yourself or why you liked my profile.

But whatever you do, don’t “wink” at me, you puss.

Winks make me batshit crazy. To me, they scream, “I care enough to send the very least.” Do you think I’m going to be so taken with your snapshot (the one where you’ve clearly cropped out your last girlfriend or draped your cat artfully over your girth) that I’ll go straight to your profile and become inspired to initiate the conversation?

Dream on, Lothari-NO.

“You don’t know what you’re missing,” you say? You’re absolutely right. I have absolutely no idea what I’m missing. However, I do know what you’re missing: courage and perhaps a time-management system that allows you to spend more than 10 seconds contacting a potential love interest. Wink at me again and I’ll give you a response. How about “This person has blocked you from her profile?” Get some game or get lost.

(photo: www.zazzle.ca/)