Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Push presents

I don't have kids. But I suspect if I was squeezing a baby out of my hoohah that that I'd focus on a short wish list, namely to 1) inflict some pain on my baby's father and 2) get a big fucking reward for my labors.

But then, as I held my little bundle of joy, I'd realize that my gift is wrapped in a blanket in my arms, not in a Tiffany ring box.

Push presents—gifts men give to their baby mamas—are increasing in popularity, as if people didn't have other things to spend their dough on, like diapers or postpartum clothes for your thinner frame. Speaking of skinny, Rachel Zoe received a 10-carat Neil Lane diamond ring for delivering Skyler. While it does seem miraculous that she was able to carry a baby to term with her Skeletor frame, a bauble like this is just downright icky. This sort of gross excess is one of the reasons why the rest of the world hates us. Well, that, our massive medal count, and Snooki (who, by the way, is asking Jionni for a gorilla-sized smoosh present for her mini-meatball).

Receiving a spendy gift that says, "Hey, nice womb!" or "Sorry the condom broke!" seems, shall we say, overkill? I don't know about you but I'd rather have the following gifts from my guy:
  • middle of the night baby duty
  • early morning baby duty
  • midday baby duty
  • round-the-clock diaper duty
  • massage upon demand
Keep your fucking tennis bracelet and let me sleep through the night.
(photo: blog.emitations.com)


Tricia Orchard said...

I have 3 kids and I agree fully! I'll take a night off of bottle duty or a diaper-free day over a diamond ring ANY time!

SkitzoLeezra said...

Abortions cost less than a 10 carat ring. Just sayin'.

Kimberly said...

I have a 5 month old baby girl and I completely agree with your list of "gifts"

Anonymous said...

As a mom of three and an RN, I am so amused by this new fad...why does the guy have to fork out a gift for a natural biological act? Info: that baby is coming whether you get a gift for it or not. Besides, these days it seems a gift that there is a father in the picture at all, whether celebrity or serf.

Anonymous said...

Usually I agree with you, Jennifer, but I got an iPad from squeezing out my 9 pounder, and I am not complaining. Hubby also takes over night duty one night a week. A tangible gift and baby duty aren't mutually exclusive but maybe I just got lucky, and henceforth deserve to be punched in the face.. (Like the previous commenter, I am an RN too, but I have no idea why that matters.)

Anonymous said...

You misspelled "Skeletor." It's only funny if you spell things right.

Take pride in your caustic wit. Twain and Wilde are rolling in their graves.

Anonymous said...

If you can read everything that I wrote below, and still think the ENTIRE concept of a gift in this situation is awful, then I’ll let you go.
The term: push present. This term is pretty much loathed by a lot of women, and I can definitely understand why. First of all, it’s a very raunchy way of describing a present. I mean, really, who came up with this? Secondly, it changes the meaning of it possibly being something surprising and innocent into something that is demanded and necessary. All of this being said, I am also a little put off by the term and I think I could have come up with 20,000 different names for it that would have been much more suitable.

In my head, this is where a “push present” is appropriate:

1. When your husband/partner/mother/father/sister/bff/whoever gives you something without you asking for it, just because they wanted to. Ladies, you can’t tell me that NONE of you have ever had someone bring flowers or wine to your house when visiting your new baby for the first time. Needless to say, you never asked anyone to bring flowers, they brought them because they wanted to congratulate you. That’s not outrageous, it’s actually a nice gesture.

2. When the gift that is being given, is more about the mother AND child than just the mother. Let’s just say, hypothetically, that there was a symbol out there that meant safeguarding and love for a new mother and baby. Then let’s also hypothetically say that this symbol was used in a picture, on a card, engraved into metal, whatever. Wouldn’t that given as a gift be meaningful and emotional? More of a commemoration for BOTH the mother and child?

3. When the gift is affordable and sensible, yet emotional and beautiful. I do not think that spending $100,000 on a gift when you can’t afford it is okay, especially when there’s a new baby in the picture. I do, however, think that you can get away with spending a conservative amount of money on something that will mean as much to the child when he/she gets older as it does immediately to the mother. If you’re going to give a gift to a woman who has just had a baby (which, by the way, LOTS of people do), it should be something that is not meant to replace or make up for the baby, but rather congratulate and commemorate the new little one. I think this is a major point of confusion in the “push present” idea. Many women are under the impression that this present is supposed to make up for the trauma that they just went through while being pregnant for nine months, and that is SO FAR from what this present should be. It should be a symbol of appreciation, love, and joy for the gift of life that has been given. It should be just as much about the baby as it is about the mother. Emotional, beautiful, grateful for the gift of life.

I’ve seen SO much controversy on the internet about this one particular gift, women all across America are losing their minds over it. And I’m just like, what’s the big deal? No one’s turning down Valentine’s Day gifts, and that’s not even a personal accomplishment, it doesn’t actually ever have anything to do with any of us personally. But all of the sudden now that there’s a gift on the market for an actual REAL experience and a serious moment in a woman’s life, everybody’s pissed? The bottom line is that a ‘push present’ or ‘birthing gift’ is meant to be something to make a woman feel special and loved. And just as a woman never “needs” flowers, a woman doesn’t need this either, but that doesn’t mean that she won’t feel special when she receives it.

Hassan Ashraf said...

This is so cute! I just shared it on my FB page Shaped by Grace! Thanks for sharing -- I'm off to Target! ;-) Have a great week!
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Hassan Ashraf said...

This is so cute! I just shared it on my FB page Shaped by Grace! Thanks for sharing -- I'm off to Target! ;-) Have a great week!
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