I don't have kids. But I suspect if I was squeezing a baby out of my hoohah that that I'd focus on a short wish list, namely to 1) inflict some pain on my baby's father and 2) get a big fucking reward for my labors.
But then, as I held my little bundle of joy, I'd realize that my gift is wrapped in a blanket in my arms, not in a Tiffany ring box.
Push presents—gifts men give to their baby mamas—are increasing in popularity, as if people didn't have other things to spend their dough on, like diapers or postpartum clothes for your thinner frame. Speaking of skinny, Rachel Zoe received a 10-carat Neil Lane diamond ring for delivering Skyler. While it does seem miraculous that she was able to carry a baby to term with her Skeletor frame, a bauble like this is just downright icky. This sort of gross excess is one of the reasons why the rest of the world hates us. Well, that, our massive medal count, and Snooki (who, by the way, is asking Jionni for a gorilla-sized smoosh present for her mini-meatball).
Receiving a spendy gift that says, "Hey, nice womb!" or "Sorry the condom broke!" seems, shall we say, overkill? I don't know about you but I'd rather have the following gifts from my guy:
- middle of the night baby duty
- early morning baby duty
- midday baby duty
- round-the-clock diaper duty
- massage upon demand
Keep your fucking tennis bracelet and let me sleep through the night.