Saturday, December 18, 2010

And the winner is…Sevara!

With an embarrassment of riches, the likes of which have not been seen since Gywneth Paltrow’s guest spot on Glee, your entries made it almost impossible to pick a winner in the TIWTPITF festival of frights. From limp lawn inflatables and parking lot asswipes to forced office gift-giving, the holidays do indeed offer up a host of new things that deserve to be punched until they beg for fruitcake. Oh, I’ve got a gift for all these things and it’s called my left fist. And I have a gift for Sevara, who gets a copy of Beyond the Family Tree for her short list of TIWTPITF. Her first point made me laugh out loud, no small feat during December. Sevara, shoot me an e-mail here with your address and I’ll send out your copy in short order, hopefully in time to use it during your family gathering.

Thanks again everyone; your snark keeps me warm on cold nights.


Sevara said…

  1. Yearly family card. Yes, I really wanted to know that your Johnny is making $100,000 a month, and that daughter Jenny just gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. First of, fuck off. Don't tell me about your perfect family, because we all know that Johnny is an asshole, your family is in debt because you guys are keeping up with the Joneses, and your beautiful, smart, "cough" slut "cough" Jenny got knocked up by some idiot, who was obligated to marry her. Thanks for that fake pose you sent me and Merry Christmas to the Assholes.
  2. Musux. It's the most annoying time of the year! I hate Rudolf, Santa, chestnuts, and all of the other X-mas music. And they start it in-mid October!
  3. Gifts. Okay, I love giving gifts to people I love and enjoy spending time with, like, my family and friends. But other "friends" that believe they are the best people out there, and we are all are "so close". NOT! That is why I never return your calls, emails, texts—because I don't want to talk to you. And I don't want to get you a gift, either. I don't want to spend my money on you. I'd rather burn ten bucks in my fireplace than buy you shit from the dollar store.
Honorable mentions

Marissa said...

SECRET SANTA at work. I'm forced to spend forty hours of my life with people that, quite frankly, are not my cup of tea. The only reason I grace them with my presence is because some faceless dude is PAYING me to do so. That being said, why the hell would I go out of my way to do something special for the woman who is the very bane of my existence? Or the guy who not so quietly brags about his sexual conquests after a night of binge drinking? HUH? Why would I spend the money I'm being paid to share air space with these goons on gifts for them when I have a perfectly good box of used cat litter ready and available? Secret Santas in the workplace need a firm blow to the face with a yule log.

Shieldmaiden96 said...
Christmas letters (in cute fonts, on theme-appropriate laser printer paper) tucked in cards. We have one friend who writes a seven-paragraph Christmas letter every year. It's mostly to make sure we all know how fabulous, unusually advanced, and super-duper creative each and every one of his kids has become, and just how fan-diddly-tastic life is in their household. I hate his kids and I've never even met them.

KeriCan said...
Obligatory Christmas cards. Seriously, if you think your relationship with my family is close enough to warrant buying a card, locating our address after the umpteenth move, forking over for stamps, and hauling your ass to the post office, the least you could do is write a little message in the card. Just signing your name, or much worse, stamping your name, only makes me want to smack you the next time I see you. I don't give a crap about the cute illustration you picked out for this year; I'd rather get a little note, even typed if you must, about your life. Better yet, give up that glittery mess of a card and just call so we can have a meaningful conversation.

(photo: reserve123.com)

7 comments:

dbs said...

Cheap waxy chocolates piss me off. As a gift it's like saying to people: we don't really like you and could you please throw these away for us.

sevara said...

I am in shock......Thank you:)

sevara said...

I am in shock......Thank you:)

sewmuch2do said...

ok, I am late doing this but still here is mine...I hate that fake Christmas sentimentality - it is such a magical time of the year (really? shopping, relatives' want lists, debt, cold, dark, party and office obligations, cleaning, cooking, hosting, UGH) - life is so wonderful - everything is beautiful - all your family dreams come true - peace on earth, goodwill to all - and please for God's sake, stop playing that piece of drivel "Chestnuts Roasting on an open fire" and a close second "I'll be home for Christmas". Wait, I have to go throw up now....

SkitzoLeezra said...

I'm sick to effin' death of those inflatable yard ornaments. While not on, they look like a giant discarded his used condoms on your yard.

~~You're welcome for the visual.~~

Constar said...

HA! i love this post it goes along beautifully with my usual scrouginess surrounding the holidays... but you've pretty much covered it all i think! loved it!

Mike Hodge said...

I love your winning entry. Two parodies of the yearly family letter that I like are the David Sedaris story "Seasons Greetings to our Friends and Family" (Read here by Julia Sweeney - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iWV4YJS-XE ) and the Jonathan Coulton song "Chiron Beta Prime" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3DyxaCYlfg