Hawaiian shirts

If you're Magnum PI and rocking a mustache, sure.

If you're Don Ho, go for it.

Wealthy douche on vakay in Key West? Fine.
Parrothead, I'll give you a pass…this time.

Otherwise, nay, nyet, no, hell no.

For me, it's important to dress appropriate to the occasion and wearing a shirt with palm trees and plumeria festooning it isn't the proper attire for anything but wastin' away again in Margaritaville (see photo). Don't wear it to a dinner date, don't wear it to a wedding, and don't wear it to your tech job. You're a programmer, not a bartender at a Sarasota tiki bar.

Hawaiian shirts are neither a jaunty way to cover your girth (that's what Snuggies are for), nor a way to signal that you're single and ready to mingle (that's what OK Cupid is for). Pull on a Polo shirt instead; it's slightly less lame in the sartorial world series of casual Friday and date night.

(photo: radaronline.com)

Designer luggage

Flipping through a fancy-pants fashion mag, I happened upon an Annie Leibovitz photo of Angelina Jolie drifting down a Cambodian river, accompanied by only her Louis Vuitton travel tote. 

Bitch, please. 

Sit too close to the edge and that Alto bag is a croc’s snack bag.

I don’t care how rich you are, crazy expensive designer luggage seems as ill-advised as buying a mansion built on quicksand.

Total money pit.

At some point, darling, you’re going to have to check that shit and if history has told us anything, it’s that baggage handlers and the cargo hold are not kind to luggage. And a Louis Vuitton steamer trunk is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Those dudes are going to head straight for it and play kick the can. Sure, it’s sturdy and exquisitely made but it’s a suitcase. It’s suppose to encase your suit and protect your fabulous belongings, not be one of them.

Leave such gross excess to the likes of Karl Lagerfeld and his pets, you know, mammals we can all get behind hating. 

(photo: upscalehype.com)

Presenting...The TIWTPITF Book Trailer!

Ta da! In the works for a few months, I'm excited to finally share the trailer for Things I Want to Punch in the Face. I collaborated with the very talented Joni Blecher to create this video, offering up a pupu platter of favorite entries to convey the flavor of the book. Actress Susan Harmon lent her outraged, snarky voiceover talents to the project, and publisher Colleen Dunn Bates and agent Joy Tutela offered their input. If you like it, please repost or pass it along! Thanks!

Today is amazon order day!

I've always said that writing a book is only half of my job. As an author, it's also my responsibility to do everything I can to promote, market, and handsell each title for optimal sales performance (without, hopefully, alienating everyone around me).

To that end, we've set today as the amazon order date; ordering one or several copies on this date will help amazon's algorithmic ordering system to take notice of the book. I'm also setting up Punch Parties in Seattle, LA, and beyond (see the column at right), where you can participate and share and air your own grievances. We are reaching out to long-lead media for hits in publications, on radio, and online.

I think we've got a shot at getting this particular book into a lot of hands (that's my cautiously optimistic way of saying we could sell a buttload of books). I've been overwhelmed by your support of the book and willingness to spread the word. So consider ordering one or several books today from amazon, order it from your local bookseller, or recommend it to a cantankerous, malcontented, snarky friend. I'll be forever grateful (and will place you on the short list of things never, ever to punch in the face).

TIWTPITF Haiku Deck

The talented marketing whiz Catherine Fisher Carr of Secret Sauce Creative (follow her @MamaTweeta) created this awesome Haiku Deck for the book's publication.



Haiku Deck allows you to create cool meme-like slideshows on your iPad. Even better, when you key in your text, it will pull high-quality, Creative Commons-licensed photos for you to choose from. Rad.

Restaurants that don't put salt on the tables

Saturday, I had the most amazing meal at the newest hot spot in town. Brick walls, warm candlelight, waiters with Ira Glass eyewear and corresponding attitude, hour-long waits. You know the place.

This time, the food lived up to the hype. We ordered the tasting menu and soon, a dizzying array of appetizers hit our table, followed by homemade spaghetti. Then came two entrees, one of which was pork cheeks, a dish that will dance through my dreams. Two desserts brought up the rear and went straight to my rear.

All in all, a perfect evening.

Well, except for one tiny little thing that forced me to bust out a four-letter word.

Salt.

Much like my personality, my palate runs toward the salty side. While I usually order dishes based on how the chef wants them prepared, I also want the right to season my food to my palate's preference. I want to sprinkle bread with sea salt after I dip it in olive oil. I want to add a pinch to the Bolognese sauce, which, while full of flavor, was a little too Healthy Choice for my taste buds.

But there was no shaker or cellar in sight. Like a napkin and silverware, salt on the table should be a given. Don't make me ask for it and don't arch your judgmental foodie eyebrow at me when I do. While I may be rubbing salt in the wounded ego of Chef Fancy-Pants, it's definitely preferable to punching you where your taste receptors don't shine.

(photo: luxist.com)

Facebook's Timeline

While I'm no maverick, I don't want Mark Zuckerberg's programatons dictating my use. I chafe against being herded toward the promised land of social media. But on August 25th, I'll have no choice but to become cyber cattle. And unlike Sarah Palin, I can't go rogue.

As someone farther along on the OCD path than most, I like to organize...a lot. And I don't cotton to some chump developer's idea of organizing and classifying information for my supposed benefit and ease of use. I can work with chronological dumping on my Wall, listing posts and messages with the most recent on top, the way it's been displayed up to now. That makes sense. That should have been called Timeline.

Bitching about Facebook changes is nothing new. But it's new to me. I've figured that Facebook, as a free social network, has the right to do whatever it wants. I still do. But it's finally gotten my goat because, like  multi-line slot machines, Timeline doesn't make sense. I don't understand the logic behind it, and that causes me agita. Why is my friend's comment showing up in the right-hand column? Why are there two columns to begin with? Why are some things and not others listed in my Recent Activity? What if I don't want people to see what I've been listening to on Stitcher? And for the love of Tim Berners-Lee, why is the cover photo taking up so much real estate? Most of us aren't good enough photographers to take really sharp, well-composed photos, let alone ones that are wildly landscape in their dimensions. I'm a words person and I would much prefer that space to be utilized in a more meaningful way than showing one big-ass blurry snapshot that's supposed to sum me up in a glance.

Fuck you, Timeline, and your activity log, too.

Have you liked TIWTPITF on Facebook? There's a lot of good conversation going on there, if you can figure out where to look.