Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Love ‘Hunger Games’? Here are 5 more dystopian reads

I may be snarky but I'm not grim. However, I fell on my sword and wrote a post for about some dystopian novels you might want to check out if you are a fan of the Hunger Games trilogy. I do not want to punch Katniss Everdeen in the face. Girl's got enough problems. (And she'd kick my ass; in fact, I'd be the first to bite it at the Cornucopia.)

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Genius Bar

Me: “Why do I want to punch the Genius Bar in the face?”
Siri: “I have a fishbowl punch located on the menu at the Genie Bar. Do you want directions?”

I’m a longtime Apple-only user. I know a few key commands, I can solve most glitches on my own, some friends even ask me for Mac advice. I used to believe all this was sort of a “na-nu na-nu” secret handshake into the cool kids’ club. Heck, I even wear interesting eyewear, for the love of Steve Jobs. Prescription eyewear, bitches.

But moseying up to the Apple Store’s Genius Bar and my illusion/delusion is shattered. I’m not nerdy cool. I’m a tool. My only consolation is that I’m beta-lame, while everyone ahead of me in line is a 2.0 tool (in fact, they might be cyborgs). I have a lot of time to observe these bearded, iPadded creatures in their natural habitapp, seeing as my Casio just went from 3:00 to 3:45—Cupertino time—while I wait for assistance on a stool clearly imported from the distant future.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Apple is shamelessly trying to stroke my ego, whispering in my ear like a 21st-century iAgo. There’s no need to make me feel like a Mensa member just because I belly up to the bar; my IQ score did that for me in fifth grade. Bitches.