Thursday, October 20, 2011

Grocery go-carts

The grocery store is not an amusement park, nor is it a raceway. What it is, rather, is a clusterfuck, clogged with baby buggy bumper cars, grocery carts tricked out with a plastic toy car for your little one to lounge in while being chauffeured down the cereal aisle.
Excuse me, but while you're drivin' Miss Lazy, I’m trying to get to my Cocoa Puffs. Your bulbous pace car is cock-blocking my sugar addiction. This will not stand. Steer your fender extender to a less-trafficked aisle before I commit a moving violation of my own.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

White chocolate

Creamy? Yes.
Sugary? Yes.
Waste of space? Hell, yes.
Chocolate? Uh…..

I tend to be irritated by things I don’t understand. Quantum physics, Ulysses, the popularity of Snooki…

So you can imagine my apoplexy when I encounter white chocolate.

Apparently, it’s got cocoa butter in it. Big whoop. So does my body lotion, but I’m not going to snack on that, either. What it lacks is cocoa paste, liquor or power, not to mention flavor. White chocolate is the confectionery equivalent of The Hills. Pointless, flavorless, and mad white.

White chocolate isn't chocolate; it's a crime.